An inadequate explanation

I posted this on my tumblr and thought I'd like it here, too.

An inadequate explanation

Part of me says I should be an introvert. 

None the less, I am a blatant, almost to the point of obnoxiousness, extrovert. I need people’s presence like I need oxygen. My desperation for interaction parallels that of a junkie. 

Still, when reading up on personality types, a kind of longing struck me as I read about the stigma surrounding the “introvert.” Something about that mind, that mind that is so comfortable within itself, so willing to search deeper, makes my breath shallow with yearning. 

Activity creates a paradox within myself. I sense turmoil in my heart or mind, and any semblance of introspection is paralyzed. I become petrified with the thought of, again, delving into the often so chaotic soul that I possess. So, I do things. Each grocery store errand, each click of the mouse, scratch of the pen, footstep, word spoken, drips with the anxiety of the impending doom that awaits my idle mind. 

I could chalk my extroverted, perpetually mobile lifestyle up to this. Still, though, in the moments where I have succumbed to the incessant whirrings of the gears in my head, and I have painstakingly made peace with the haunting truths that have hung far too long above me, there is restlessness.

This restlessness is not anxious. This restlessness starts with a new definition of existence. It is the only reason I ever “take up arms against my sea of troubles, and by opposing end them,” as it were. I suppose this feeling is the joy and grace we receive when searching for, and finding truth. An echo of the eternal world in the present moment. It makes my heart, mind, and body as one with the world as the sunlight is one with the air: consciously breathing every breath, consciously shaping every word, consciously feeling every muscle in my face move as a smile is exchanged between strangers, consciously noting every tendril tugged as the wind combs through my hair. This existence underlies my incessant need to DO. Not DO in the sense of doing for the purpose of doing, but doing because I was made to DO. 

In this I realize that I was made with a creator’s heart. I can reside in my thoughts as long as I can produce something from it. A thought is a seed, and my head is a constantly overflowing green house that doesn’t need pruning, but expanse; millions of gardens of thought that the world tends to, and contributes to, and cares for. 

Our world is a world of art. The comparison of the world of art to a garden is not cliche. Art and gardens have such a similar purpose: to benefit the world through beauty and passion. As a creation, I create; as an extravert I look outside and wish to let things my fidgeting fingers and mobile mind produce resonate with this world outside of my own little world of population: one. It is a world of light and darkness, of music, silence, anguish, comfort, of extroverts and of introverts.

I suppose whatever it is I am, whatever it is I do or why I do it, I’m happy I belong here.

If you're curious about my tumblr... it's basically only rantings and poetry, but here it is:

http://annierowson.tumblr.com/

Coming Back

Vulnerability has never been something easy for me to handle. I am an older sister. I am a healer, a confidant, a coach, and a protector. So much of my joy comes from fulfilling these roles. Recently, I've had to let others fulfill them for me, and it's simply not easy. My family is wonderful, and my high school friends have been especially helpful support over the past couple of months. 


I love when daily readings are just what you needed to hear. Today, this resounded so wonderfully with me:
      "He therefore let you be afflicted with hunger,
and then fed you with manna,
a food unknown to you and your fathers,
in order to show you that not by bread alone does one live,
but by every word that comes forth from the mouth of the LORD."

Good can come from any suffering. I can't fix everything for myself, no matter how hard I try, and there is grace in this. I am truly grateful I am learning this lesson now, rather than later. For now, I don't know if I want to talk about my issues on a blog, and I'm not good with asking for prayers for myself, but they definitely would be appreciated. 

The Hobbit

Among the many books that I have read/am reading while in Florida, the most recent is "The Hobbit" by J.R.R. Tolkein. I've been at it for a few days, and I'm almost done. It's the final battle between goblins with their wolves and basically every other race involved. There's only ten pages left, so you know it's almost over, and the intensity is rising, and your fingertips start to hurt with the urgency of knowing how the story ends. I wish I could say that I feel as strongly about the end of my program that I've been involved in for four months as I do about this book that I've been reading for four days. I just want it to be over... This book, however did bear some semblance. There was a lot of work involved: dragons to slay, days with little food to be had, sleeping on rocks (our mattresses can't be too much better), dogs to impersonate... oh wait, that was just me. Regardless, long treks come to endings. Thank goodness for that. Already I have a few cool plans for the first weeks I am back. Lots of hanging out with the family, lots of hanging out with friends, a recording of a song, a bonfire to go to, a burrito to be eaten, a moped to ride, a dog to be trampled by, and tons of stories to be told. I finished my two classes today! I got a B in Marketing You, which I am very pleased with. That class was so much harder than I bargained for, and it taught me so much more than I could have ever expected. I don't find out my grade for Creativity and Innovation until next week- although I did find out that I received one of the three perfect grades on my semester-long project! Woohoo! I loved that class- it felt like it was designed for me. Well, 7 days left until I leave, 4 days left of work. Now I shall finish the hobbit! :)

Home-coming and Blessed and Grateful #3!

I... I can see it coming... I'm actually going to come home at some point. I'm not going to be in Florida forever... This idea is nuts to me. I thought I was destined to be perpetually enslaved in this sparkling dungeon where my handcuffs were shaped like mickey-heads. But, lo! The sun is rising! By the sun is rising, I mean to say that the next schedule that drops will be the schedule of my last week. My brother gets here on the 11th and we'll be spending that day and the 12th at the parks before we leave on the 13th. Scheduling is complicated, but I will hopefully be able to get those two days off. I'm really excited about seeing Dan. Even when I was home, we didn't get to see each other too much, and we're in need of a big catching up. He's been a teachers assistant for a good while now, and that just seems like such a fit. Having Dan for a teacher in high school would have been hilarious! My dad just sent me his flight itinerary, and that's the first concrete document I have that leads directly to my vindication. Naturally, I'm beyond ecstatic! I got "The Hobbit", and I'm hoping to finish that by the time I leave. So far, books I've read while I've been down here include: "Common Sense 101" and "Manalive" by G.K. Chesterton, "Looking for Alaska" and "Paper Towns" by John Green, "The Silver Chair," "The Last Battle," and "The Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis, "Men, Women, and the Mystery of Love," by Edward Sri, "The Princess and the Goblin," by George MacDonald, and a good chunk of "An Anthology of Christian Mysticism," which I've kind of been jumping around in. I didn't even know I packed it, and I will be returning that to the Bellarmine Library once I get home... *guilty look*. I'm really bummed because I wanted to read "Wuthering Heights" while I was down here but I seem to have left it back home... Anyways! Reading has definitely been amazing. I don't get to do enough of it at home, so it has been a really edifying aspect of my program. 8 p.m. will be my new "workout hour" until I get home- I'm rarely still working by then- and I'm trying to eat super healthy so I'll have tons of energy when I get back! It's very curious to think about what I'm returning to. My brother, Will, is now confirmed, braced, and at least two inches taller, Greg is going to be in 6th grade next year, and Andrew just sounds so grown up on the phone. Emily is turning 16, Lauren is graduating, my parents have been to Italy. So much has happened! I wonder if going home is going to feel incredibly different because of these changes. There's so much to do this summer! Jobs to work, events to plan, babies to sit (babysitting, get it?), songs to write, books to read, trails to hike, prayers to pray, friends to see, jokes to be laughed at, bonfires to ignite, relationships to grow in... and yet all of this doesn't make me anxious. It makes me so excited!
I'm trying to follow the advice of C.S. Lewis:
                       "Obey the present voice of conscience; bearing the present cross, receiving the present                         grace, giving thanks for the present pleasure,"
but it's definitely a challenge when I am getting so pumped for all of the graces and pleasures that are so close I can almost touch them! Granted they will be 900 miles away, but you get the picture. To help me with this challenge, here comes my next blessed and grateful list :)
30. Plane tickets
31. Rum cup-cakes (thanks, michelle!)
32. Themed cupcakes on google :D
33. Birthday party planning
34. My fluorescent-green water-bottle
35. Blogging. It's fun.
36. That everyone is safe in Virginia, even with all of the crazy crazy weather.
37. The Chronicles of Narnia, especially "The Last Battle". Even without any other reason, you need to read all of the chronicles just so you can read the last book. It's just so beautiful and encouraging. C.S. Lewis=the man.
38. Laura, who is the best friend someone could ask for.
39. Fresh laundry.
40. Reconciliation ohhhh man. So good. Also, I like "reconciliation" more than "confession", because reconciling yourself with God is the purpose to confess in the first place.
41. Mumford & Sons and Alive in Wild Paint
42. This moment I had yesterday:
I called home to talk about plane-tickets and such with my family, and my little brother, Drew, answered the phone. I got excited and had a moment where I'm sure at the other end, air flew out of the ear piece and knocked over Drew like in a cartoon. "HI, DREW!!" "Hi, Annie!" "OH MY GOSH HOW ARE YOU??!" "I'm fine! How about you?" I was stunned. He sounded grown up. It was weird. The best part is coming. I then asked (still more excited than the 8-year-old boy), "Andrew! Guess how long until I'm back?!!" "Umm... 16 days, right?"
He swore he wasn't looking at a calendar, yet he was right. It was the sweetest thing ever.


That's it for now, hope all are having blessed weeks!

WOOOO

I love Easter. SO MUCH. My love of Easter was probably sparked by the reason of my existence previously stated: free/abundant food. Just kidding! Actually, it probably helped. Definitely mainly for the happy Jesus rising from the dead reason, though :)
Back home, we have many Easter traditions. These include:
-Easter vigil mass at night
-Baskets in the morning
-Brunch with the Berneros and Whiteheads
-Older-kid-inclusive Easter-egg hunt at my house
-Pretty dressing up-ness
-Easter-egg hunt at my grandparents where I get to hide eggs
-Easter dinner at my grandparents
-Night prayer with my family

So, I missed a lot being down here, but I had some lovely Easter experiences of my own. In Easter mass, I sat down to a really lovely couple about my parents' age, and the wife was just especially sweet. We both were excitedly wishing others a happy Easter along with our "Peace be with you"s, and it made us laugh. On the way home, there was a kind of sketchy-lookin dude walking towards me and I wished him a happy Easter and he lit up and laughed and wished me one. Then I did the same for my security guard, who responded similarly. After I got home, Mallory and I went to Publix to do some grocery shopping. I told Mallory about the guy on the way home, and once we were inside security on the way back, she yelled "HAPPY EASTER!!" to this random guy walking by, with no response. So she did the only reasonable thing. She yelled it again louder. "HAPPY!! EASTERRR!!!". This time he heard her, looked up, and shouted back "Oh! Happy Easter!" She was quite happy, and repeated this act with everyone else we passed until we parked. Then Mallory invented the "magic meter", which measures how much Disney magic someone possesses. People, she says, that didn't excitedly return her "Happy Easter"s obviously did not have a very high reading on the magic meter. She thought herself very clever, and neither of us could stop laughing about the magic meter and it's cleverness until we finally got into the apartment. Then I made sloppy joes, which are obviously paschal cuisine. I also got an apple pie with ice-cream for the girls for breakfast tomorrow, and made hard-boiled eggs for the first time. Woohoo! Now I'm off to bed and a little bit of "Screwtape Letters" reading before my 12 hour shift tomorrow. Also, if you are a person who will see my little brother, Will, in the near future, wish him a happy confirmation! If you are, in fact, Will, however, here's a little shout out for you :)

I am so tremendously proud of you. I am proud of your kindness, I am proud of your wisdom, and I am proud of your diligence of faith. You are such an amazing example of Christ-like love to your little brothers and everyone else you come in contact with. You have a beautiful soul, Will, and I am so looking forward to watching you grow more and more in your relationship with Jesus. He has a wonderful witness, soldier, and friend in you. I love you!

What can I say? My little brothers are totally my weakness!
Happy Easter and God bless.

Night of Stars update!

Hey guys! Can't upload video, although I'll get the DVD later if anyone wants to see it, but here's some pictures from the night!

 my roommate, Shannon, took this one of  me when my face was up on the big screen :) thought it looked cool!

here's the two girls I became closest with that night- Gabbie in the middle, and Ashton on the right. They're awesome!

Blessed and Grateful #2 (10-29)

Blessed and grateful for...
10. The Whitehead family
11. Claire's first two goals of the season! Huzzah!
12. Big, soft, salted pretzels
13. Roller coasters
14. The Andray family, plus Kim, Makennah, and Rylah (who are totally part of that family, anyway)
15. Those families that you aren't connected to in blood, but unquestionably in everything else
16. Books that use the word "bosom" like "Princess and the Goblin". It's uncomfortable and hilarious.
17. Books, period.
18. Funny ring tones- heard kim possible and "it's so fluffy!!" this week
19. Little girls in princess tiaras with sparkly eyes. It also helps when they open their autographs books for me :)
20. The prospect of Owl City's album that comes out in June!! If you don't read this blog, and feel the need to read some seriously profound, clever, inspiring, and wholesome thoughts of an artist, this is where it's at: http://owlcityblog.com/
21. Sunshine
22. Cloud cover
23. Kids that write me cards and draw me pictures
24. Twitter and it's ability to distract me from minor facebook withdrawal
25. Peach yogurt
26. Yogayogayogayogayoga
27. Ricola cough drops
28. Water
29. Holy Thursday mass! Basilica choir at Mary, Queen of the Universe= Love

Whewwww that was surprisingly easy, actually.
Happy Holy Thursday!