Pride

... is tricky. It's one of the devil's favorite play-things. The minute you think you have succeeded in getting rid of it is when you, again, find yourself in danger of having it. C.S. Lewis has some great things to say about pride. In C.S. Lewis' book, Mere Christianity, he has a whole chapter dedicated to it, and does he have some great things to say! I will admit, reading that chapter in particular, I could feel myself sinking deeper and deeper into my chair. Coming from a family where competitiveness is as prevalent a trait as having two feet, one of his quotes hit me pretty significantly:
 “Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man.”
Wow. Yeah, that is definitely true. When you combine that with Theodore Roosevelt's "Comparison is the thief of joy," there is some great insight to why people, why I, can be so miserable. 
It made me look at some of things that I feel consistently rob me of joy.
1. Times I feel like the only way I hang out with friends is because I invite them to do things.
2. Not getting to the gym as much as I wanted during the week.
3. Wishing I wasn't at Nova and could just be at Mason. 


Now these things don't just made me sad. These things are capable of taking away good, deep-seeded happiness that I had been accumulating all week, or sometimes longer. Why? Why should any of those things be able to do that? It's situations that don't have a simple answer. If you were hungry, and it was because you didn't have time to eat, that sorrow would be much less powerful than if you were hungry because you couldn't afford to feed yourself, and less powerful, still, than if you couldn't afford to feed yourself because you were working a low end job you were ashamed of. Pride so easily for me, and for others, becomes the root of the most terrible, and oftentimes untrue feelings. Shame, bitterness, hate, selfishness, envy- some of the worst ones in the book- very commonly stem from pride. Why does the first situation on my list make me so miserable? Because, if I feel I'm the only one initiating contact with friends, than maybe I am not as fun or as funny or as popular as I thought. Ouch. Why #2? Because maybe I will not measure up to my sister or my friends, or they will not think I should be working at the health center I work at unless I am perfectly fit. Why #3? Because I am embarrassed that I go to a community college and I feel like I have to prove that my intelligence is above the stereotypical community college student's. These may seem silly reasons, but, to me, they are very real. Sin does funky things with your brain. 
As with everything though, love changes the picture and offers a solution. Humility doesn't hurt, either. The minute I let my pride go as it pertained to my sister, Lauren, 3 summers ago, was the minute I lost the bitterness I had accumulated over the first 14 years of her existence. She became my best friend and (although I hear picking favorites is uncool), I love her more than I love anyone in the world. So! Lessons to be learned? 
1. Love my friends. Another cool quote from a book called Captivating, 
"For people to enjoy relationship, they must repent of their need to control and their insistence that people fill them. Fallen Man demands that people "come through" for them. Redeemed Man is being met in the depths of their soul by Christ and is free to offer to others, free to desire, and willing to be disappointed." I mean, how does it get any better or plainer than that? Gah. Love that book.
2. Love myself, in the person that God made me. There is nothing wrong with wanting a healthy, fit body. But wanting one because other people have them and so I should have one and no one will like me unless I have one and blah blah blah more nonsense is where the issue lies. 
3. Ok this one is a little more obvious. The bitterness I have towards my school is terrible and it makes me less able to love those around me on that campus, because I associate them with what I feel, is a personal failure. Humble acceptance of the path God has for us will always lead to joy. It opens us up to a world untainted by annoyance and frustration, and how good does that sound?


Finally, I just want to finish with two more C.S. Lewis quotes, from the same chapter. 
"...for Pride is spiritual cancer: it eats up the very possibility of love, or contentment, or even common sense." Woah. Kind of scary, yeah. But! 
"[God] wants you to know Him: wants to give you Himself. And He and you are two things of such a kind that if you really get into any kind of touch with Him you will, in fact, be humble- delightedly humble, feeling the infinite relief of having for once got rid of all the silly nonsense about your own dignity which has made you restless and unhappy all your life. " Delightedly humble sounds pretty sweet. 
So! That's it. Lots of work and a coffee date with a high school friend today. That is all. Good bye. 

Ash Wednesday WOO!

I LOVE. Ash wednesday. I love it. I can't help adoring the idea of getting to really delve into the scary nitty gritty that is my soul and just go to work with Jesus on it! Yes, there are a lot of not so pretty things there. But I get to get rid of it! Or work on getting rid of it, along with the habits that get all of that junk in my heart in the first place! Yes!

Anyway, started out with some exercise this morning, and because today was beautiful, I rode my moped to mass on campus. The readings were fabulous, and the lector was fabulous (for some reason that matters? It probably shouldn't), I got myself a sweet cross, I talked to friends afterward (about journaling, which is my favorite thing to do), this guy at the store asked me if the ashes were from my helmet (to which I responded no very politely and then we talked about lent for a while), and then I went to work and then I came home and made a cool new recipe!
Whew. Good day. OH! and I watched parks and rec and didn't break the fast. Pretty excited.

Also, I had an important realization tonight. If you had an interaction with another person, and, honestly, your intentions were purely out of sincere love for the other person, you should never feel guilty or stupid about that interaction. Any action borne out of love for others is a good thing. Period. I can just be silly sometimes and get easily embarrassed. Also I over-analyze. Eesh. Good thing I have plenty of time to fix my heart before it stops beating.

Oh! If you're curious about my recipe, here it is (basically):

Crispy Potato Rounds with Cool Basil Dip

1 red potatoe, sliced into very thin rounds
1 cup of seasoned bread crumbs
1 tbsp parmesan
1/2 cup of milk
1 egg white
---
1/2 cup sour cream
1 tsp Worcestershire sauce
dash of dill
dash of garlic
2 tsp basil

(rounds)
-Preheat the oven to 350
-Whisk the egg white and the milk together in one bowl
-Combine the parmesan and the bread crumbs in another bowl
-Cover a cookie sheet with foil
-Dip each potato round completely in the milk/egg mixture, and then one flat side in the bread crumb/parm mixture
-Lay bread crumbs up onto the cookie sheet
-Repeat with all rounds
-Sprinkle some of the remaining bread crumb/parm mixture over the rounds
-Bake until the edges of the rounds start to brown
----
 (dip)
-Combine sour cream and worchestire sauce
-Stir in basil, garlic, and dill

So yeah... kind of made it up, kind of heard about something maybe similar-ish? I want to try with zucchini... anyway, have at it! Let me know what you think if you try it!

Peace

Lent 2012!

Lord knows I'm going to need something to keep my mind off facebook these next few weeks... So looks like I'm revisiting the good ol' blog!

For those of you who are participating in this oftentimes grueling, and always exciting time of the year, I've found and been advised a few great methods to fasting/sacrificing that I thought I'd share!

1. Pick something measurable. This means minutes of prayer, numbers of daily masses a week, hours of weekly exercise, numbers of cups of coffee a day, etc. Less room for wiggle, less temptation to wiggle!
2. If the idea of giving something up doesn't hurt a little when you think about it, it's not even worth it. Part of the whole idea behind sacrificing something for Lent is to help us be one with Jesus in his sacrifice for us. Choose something that will make you mindful of this sacrifice, and take it on joyfully! Nothing says this better than Romans 12:12,
"Rejoice in hope, endure in affliction, persevere in prayer."
3. Sacrifice isn't the only Lenten behavior. Also consider adding something- trying to do a profound act of service for your community every week, or saying a decade of the rosary each day, or even doing a random act of kindness daily is another great way to draw closer to God during Lent.
4. Don't take on the world! Something that works really well for me is sacrificing one or maybe two things, and then taking on one thing aimed towards helping me grow spiritually.

Don't know if those will be particularly helpful for anyone, but who knows! This year I'll be giving up anything with sugar on the ingredient label as well as facebook. I've done facebook pretty consistently for Lent, so I think adding something is a good idea. I am also going to be following "The Word Among Us" throughout Lent, which I am super excited about!

Throughout Lent I also hope to continue my new habit of getting to the chapel at Mason every day for some prayer alone time- the word among us will be probably be incorporated into that time. I've been reading Mere Christianity and I am totally blown away with each page turned. C.S. Lewis is incredible. Hoping to encourage my sister to start a blog so we can keep up with each other more :) Woo! God bless!

-Annie/Annika/Whatever you want to call me... as long as it's nice.

An inadequate explanation

I posted this on my tumblr and thought I'd like it here, too.

An inadequate explanation

Part of me says I should be an introvert. 

None the less, I am a blatant, almost to the point of obnoxiousness, extrovert. I need people’s presence like I need oxygen. My desperation for interaction parallels that of a junkie. 

Still, when reading up on personality types, a kind of longing struck me as I read about the stigma surrounding the “introvert.” Something about that mind, that mind that is so comfortable within itself, so willing to search deeper, makes my breath shallow with yearning. 

Activity creates a paradox within myself. I sense turmoil in my heart or mind, and any semblance of introspection is paralyzed. I become petrified with the thought of, again, delving into the often so chaotic soul that I possess. So, I do things. Each grocery store errand, each click of the mouse, scratch of the pen, footstep, word spoken, drips with the anxiety of the impending doom that awaits my idle mind. 

I could chalk my extroverted, perpetually mobile lifestyle up to this. Still, though, in the moments where I have succumbed to the incessant whirrings of the gears in my head, and I have painstakingly made peace with the haunting truths that have hung far too long above me, there is restlessness.

This restlessness is not anxious. This restlessness starts with a new definition of existence. It is the only reason I ever “take up arms against my sea of troubles, and by opposing end them,” as it were. I suppose this feeling is the joy and grace we receive when searching for, and finding truth. An echo of the eternal world in the present moment. It makes my heart, mind, and body as one with the world as the sunlight is one with the air: consciously breathing every breath, consciously shaping every word, consciously feeling every muscle in my face move as a smile is exchanged between strangers, consciously noting every tendril tugged as the wind combs through my hair. This existence underlies my incessant need to DO. Not DO in the sense of doing for the purpose of doing, but doing because I was made to DO. 

In this I realize that I was made with a creator’s heart. I can reside in my thoughts as long as I can produce something from it. A thought is a seed, and my head is a constantly overflowing green house that doesn’t need pruning, but expanse; millions of gardens of thought that the world tends to, and contributes to, and cares for. 

Our world is a world of art. The comparison of the world of art to a garden is not cliche. Art and gardens have such a similar purpose: to benefit the world through beauty and passion. As a creation, I create; as an extravert I look outside and wish to let things my fidgeting fingers and mobile mind produce resonate with this world outside of my own little world of population: one. It is a world of light and darkness, of music, silence, anguish, comfort, of extroverts and of introverts.

I suppose whatever it is I am, whatever it is I do or why I do it, I’m happy I belong here.

If you're curious about my tumblr... it's basically only rantings and poetry, but here it is:

http://annierowson.tumblr.com/

Coming Back

Vulnerability has never been something easy for me to handle. I am an older sister. I am a healer, a confidant, a coach, and a protector. So much of my joy comes from fulfilling these roles. Recently, I've had to let others fulfill them for me, and it's simply not easy. My family is wonderful, and my high school friends have been especially helpful support over the past couple of months. 


I love when daily readings are just what you needed to hear. Today, this resounded so wonderfully with me:
      "He therefore let you be afflicted with hunger,
and then fed you with manna,
a food unknown to you and your fathers,
in order to show you that not by bread alone does one live,
but by every word that comes forth from the mouth of the LORD."

Good can come from any suffering. I can't fix everything for myself, no matter how hard I try, and there is grace in this. I am truly grateful I am learning this lesson now, rather than later. For now, I don't know if I want to talk about my issues on a blog, and I'm not good with asking for prayers for myself, but they definitely would be appreciated. 

The Hobbit

Among the many books that I have read/am reading while in Florida, the most recent is "The Hobbit" by J.R.R. Tolkein. I've been at it for a few days, and I'm almost done. It's the final battle between goblins with their wolves and basically every other race involved. There's only ten pages left, so you know it's almost over, and the intensity is rising, and your fingertips start to hurt with the urgency of knowing how the story ends. I wish I could say that I feel as strongly about the end of my program that I've been involved in for four months as I do about this book that I've been reading for four days. I just want it to be over... This book, however did bear some semblance. There was a lot of work involved: dragons to slay, days with little food to be had, sleeping on rocks (our mattresses can't be too much better), dogs to impersonate... oh wait, that was just me. Regardless, long treks come to endings. Thank goodness for that. Already I have a few cool plans for the first weeks I am back. Lots of hanging out with the family, lots of hanging out with friends, a recording of a song, a bonfire to go to, a burrito to be eaten, a moped to ride, a dog to be trampled by, and tons of stories to be told. I finished my two classes today! I got a B in Marketing You, which I am very pleased with. That class was so much harder than I bargained for, and it taught me so much more than I could have ever expected. I don't find out my grade for Creativity and Innovation until next week- although I did find out that I received one of the three perfect grades on my semester-long project! Woohoo! I loved that class- it felt like it was designed for me. Well, 7 days left until I leave, 4 days left of work. Now I shall finish the hobbit! :)

Home-coming and Blessed and Grateful #3!

I... I can see it coming... I'm actually going to come home at some point. I'm not going to be in Florida forever... This idea is nuts to me. I thought I was destined to be perpetually enslaved in this sparkling dungeon where my handcuffs were shaped like mickey-heads. But, lo! The sun is rising! By the sun is rising, I mean to say that the next schedule that drops will be the schedule of my last week. My brother gets here on the 11th and we'll be spending that day and the 12th at the parks before we leave on the 13th. Scheduling is complicated, but I will hopefully be able to get those two days off. I'm really excited about seeing Dan. Even when I was home, we didn't get to see each other too much, and we're in need of a big catching up. He's been a teachers assistant for a good while now, and that just seems like such a fit. Having Dan for a teacher in high school would have been hilarious! My dad just sent me his flight itinerary, and that's the first concrete document I have that leads directly to my vindication. Naturally, I'm beyond ecstatic! I got "The Hobbit", and I'm hoping to finish that by the time I leave. So far, books I've read while I've been down here include: "Common Sense 101" and "Manalive" by G.K. Chesterton, "Looking for Alaska" and "Paper Towns" by John Green, "The Silver Chair," "The Last Battle," and "The Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis, "Men, Women, and the Mystery of Love," by Edward Sri, "The Princess and the Goblin," by George MacDonald, and a good chunk of "An Anthology of Christian Mysticism," which I've kind of been jumping around in. I didn't even know I packed it, and I will be returning that to the Bellarmine Library once I get home... *guilty look*. I'm really bummed because I wanted to read "Wuthering Heights" while I was down here but I seem to have left it back home... Anyways! Reading has definitely been amazing. I don't get to do enough of it at home, so it has been a really edifying aspect of my program. 8 p.m. will be my new "workout hour" until I get home- I'm rarely still working by then- and I'm trying to eat super healthy so I'll have tons of energy when I get back! It's very curious to think about what I'm returning to. My brother, Will, is now confirmed, braced, and at least two inches taller, Greg is going to be in 6th grade next year, and Andrew just sounds so grown up on the phone. Emily is turning 16, Lauren is graduating, my parents have been to Italy. So much has happened! I wonder if going home is going to feel incredibly different because of these changes. There's so much to do this summer! Jobs to work, events to plan, babies to sit (babysitting, get it?), songs to write, books to read, trails to hike, prayers to pray, friends to see, jokes to be laughed at, bonfires to ignite, relationships to grow in... and yet all of this doesn't make me anxious. It makes me so excited!
I'm trying to follow the advice of C.S. Lewis:
                       "Obey the present voice of conscience; bearing the present cross, receiving the present                         grace, giving thanks for the present pleasure,"
but it's definitely a challenge when I am getting so pumped for all of the graces and pleasures that are so close I can almost touch them! Granted they will be 900 miles away, but you get the picture. To help me with this challenge, here comes my next blessed and grateful list :)
30. Plane tickets
31. Rum cup-cakes (thanks, michelle!)
32. Themed cupcakes on google :D
33. Birthday party planning
34. My fluorescent-green water-bottle
35. Blogging. It's fun.
36. That everyone is safe in Virginia, even with all of the crazy crazy weather.
37. The Chronicles of Narnia, especially "The Last Battle". Even without any other reason, you need to read all of the chronicles just so you can read the last book. It's just so beautiful and encouraging. C.S. Lewis=the man.
38. Laura, who is the best friend someone could ask for.
39. Fresh laundry.
40. Reconciliation ohhhh man. So good. Also, I like "reconciliation" more than "confession", because reconciling yourself with God is the purpose to confess in the first place.
41. Mumford & Sons and Alive in Wild Paint
42. This moment I had yesterday:
I called home to talk about plane-tickets and such with my family, and my little brother, Drew, answered the phone. I got excited and had a moment where I'm sure at the other end, air flew out of the ear piece and knocked over Drew like in a cartoon. "HI, DREW!!" "Hi, Annie!" "OH MY GOSH HOW ARE YOU??!" "I'm fine! How about you?" I was stunned. He sounded grown up. It was weird. The best part is coming. I then asked (still more excited than the 8-year-old boy), "Andrew! Guess how long until I'm back?!!" "Umm... 16 days, right?"
He swore he wasn't looking at a calendar, yet he was right. It was the sweetest thing ever.


That's it for now, hope all are having blessed weeks!