An inadequate explanation

I posted this on my tumblr and thought I'd like it here, too.

An inadequate explanation

Part of me says I should be an introvert. 

None the less, I am a blatant, almost to the point of obnoxiousness, extrovert. I need people’s presence like I need oxygen. My desperation for interaction parallels that of a junkie. 

Still, when reading up on personality types, a kind of longing struck me as I read about the stigma surrounding the “introvert.” Something about that mind, that mind that is so comfortable within itself, so willing to search deeper, makes my breath shallow with yearning. 

Activity creates a paradox within myself. I sense turmoil in my heart or mind, and any semblance of introspection is paralyzed. I become petrified with the thought of, again, delving into the often so chaotic soul that I possess. So, I do things. Each grocery store errand, each click of the mouse, scratch of the pen, footstep, word spoken, drips with the anxiety of the impending doom that awaits my idle mind. 

I could chalk my extroverted, perpetually mobile lifestyle up to this. Still, though, in the moments where I have succumbed to the incessant whirrings of the gears in my head, and I have painstakingly made peace with the haunting truths that have hung far too long above me, there is restlessness.

This restlessness is not anxious. This restlessness starts with a new definition of existence. It is the only reason I ever “take up arms against my sea of troubles, and by opposing end them,” as it were. I suppose this feeling is the joy and grace we receive when searching for, and finding truth. An echo of the eternal world in the present moment. It makes my heart, mind, and body as one with the world as the sunlight is one with the air: consciously breathing every breath, consciously shaping every word, consciously feeling every muscle in my face move as a smile is exchanged between strangers, consciously noting every tendril tugged as the wind combs through my hair. This existence underlies my incessant need to DO. Not DO in the sense of doing for the purpose of doing, but doing because I was made to DO. 

In this I realize that I was made with a creator’s heart. I can reside in my thoughts as long as I can produce something from it. A thought is a seed, and my head is a constantly overflowing green house that doesn’t need pruning, but expanse; millions of gardens of thought that the world tends to, and contributes to, and cares for. 

Our world is a world of art. The comparison of the world of art to a garden is not cliche. Art and gardens have such a similar purpose: to benefit the world through beauty and passion. As a creation, I create; as an extravert I look outside and wish to let things my fidgeting fingers and mobile mind produce resonate with this world outside of my own little world of population: one. It is a world of light and darkness, of music, silence, anguish, comfort, of extroverts and of introverts.

I suppose whatever it is I am, whatever it is I do or why I do it, I’m happy I belong here.

If you're curious about my tumblr... it's basically only rantings and poetry, but here it is:

http://annierowson.tumblr.com/

Coming Back

Vulnerability has never been something easy for me to handle. I am an older sister. I am a healer, a confidant, a coach, and a protector. So much of my joy comes from fulfilling these roles. Recently, I've had to let others fulfill them for me, and it's simply not easy. My family is wonderful, and my high school friends have been especially helpful support over the past couple of months. 


I love when daily readings are just what you needed to hear. Today, this resounded so wonderfully with me:
      "He therefore let you be afflicted with hunger,
and then fed you with manna,
a food unknown to you and your fathers,
in order to show you that not by bread alone does one live,
but by every word that comes forth from the mouth of the LORD."

Good can come from any suffering. I can't fix everything for myself, no matter how hard I try, and there is grace in this. I am truly grateful I am learning this lesson now, rather than later. For now, I don't know if I want to talk about my issues on a blog, and I'm not good with asking for prayers for myself, but they definitely would be appreciated. 

The Hobbit

Among the many books that I have read/am reading while in Florida, the most recent is "The Hobbit" by J.R.R. Tolkein. I've been at it for a few days, and I'm almost done. It's the final battle between goblins with their wolves and basically every other race involved. There's only ten pages left, so you know it's almost over, and the intensity is rising, and your fingertips start to hurt with the urgency of knowing how the story ends. I wish I could say that I feel as strongly about the end of my program that I've been involved in for four months as I do about this book that I've been reading for four days. I just want it to be over... This book, however did bear some semblance. There was a lot of work involved: dragons to slay, days with little food to be had, sleeping on rocks (our mattresses can't be too much better), dogs to impersonate... oh wait, that was just me. Regardless, long treks come to endings. Thank goodness for that. Already I have a few cool plans for the first weeks I am back. Lots of hanging out with the family, lots of hanging out with friends, a recording of a song, a bonfire to go to, a burrito to be eaten, a moped to ride, a dog to be trampled by, and tons of stories to be told. I finished my two classes today! I got a B in Marketing You, which I am very pleased with. That class was so much harder than I bargained for, and it taught me so much more than I could have ever expected. I don't find out my grade for Creativity and Innovation until next week- although I did find out that I received one of the three perfect grades on my semester-long project! Woohoo! I loved that class- it felt like it was designed for me. Well, 7 days left until I leave, 4 days left of work. Now I shall finish the hobbit! :)

Home-coming and Blessed and Grateful #3!

I... I can see it coming... I'm actually going to come home at some point. I'm not going to be in Florida forever... This idea is nuts to me. I thought I was destined to be perpetually enslaved in this sparkling dungeon where my handcuffs were shaped like mickey-heads. But, lo! The sun is rising! By the sun is rising, I mean to say that the next schedule that drops will be the schedule of my last week. My brother gets here on the 11th and we'll be spending that day and the 12th at the parks before we leave on the 13th. Scheduling is complicated, but I will hopefully be able to get those two days off. I'm really excited about seeing Dan. Even when I was home, we didn't get to see each other too much, and we're in need of a big catching up. He's been a teachers assistant for a good while now, and that just seems like such a fit. Having Dan for a teacher in high school would have been hilarious! My dad just sent me his flight itinerary, and that's the first concrete document I have that leads directly to my vindication. Naturally, I'm beyond ecstatic! I got "The Hobbit", and I'm hoping to finish that by the time I leave. So far, books I've read while I've been down here include: "Common Sense 101" and "Manalive" by G.K. Chesterton, "Looking for Alaska" and "Paper Towns" by John Green, "The Silver Chair," "The Last Battle," and "The Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis, "Men, Women, and the Mystery of Love," by Edward Sri, "The Princess and the Goblin," by George MacDonald, and a good chunk of "An Anthology of Christian Mysticism," which I've kind of been jumping around in. I didn't even know I packed it, and I will be returning that to the Bellarmine Library once I get home... *guilty look*. I'm really bummed because I wanted to read "Wuthering Heights" while I was down here but I seem to have left it back home... Anyways! Reading has definitely been amazing. I don't get to do enough of it at home, so it has been a really edifying aspect of my program. 8 p.m. will be my new "workout hour" until I get home- I'm rarely still working by then- and I'm trying to eat super healthy so I'll have tons of energy when I get back! It's very curious to think about what I'm returning to. My brother, Will, is now confirmed, braced, and at least two inches taller, Greg is going to be in 6th grade next year, and Andrew just sounds so grown up on the phone. Emily is turning 16, Lauren is graduating, my parents have been to Italy. So much has happened! I wonder if going home is going to feel incredibly different because of these changes. There's so much to do this summer! Jobs to work, events to plan, babies to sit (babysitting, get it?), songs to write, books to read, trails to hike, prayers to pray, friends to see, jokes to be laughed at, bonfires to ignite, relationships to grow in... and yet all of this doesn't make me anxious. It makes me so excited!
I'm trying to follow the advice of C.S. Lewis:
                       "Obey the present voice of conscience; bearing the present cross, receiving the present                         grace, giving thanks for the present pleasure,"
but it's definitely a challenge when I am getting so pumped for all of the graces and pleasures that are so close I can almost touch them! Granted they will be 900 miles away, but you get the picture. To help me with this challenge, here comes my next blessed and grateful list :)
30. Plane tickets
31. Rum cup-cakes (thanks, michelle!)
32. Themed cupcakes on google :D
33. Birthday party planning
34. My fluorescent-green water-bottle
35. Blogging. It's fun.
36. That everyone is safe in Virginia, even with all of the crazy crazy weather.
37. The Chronicles of Narnia, especially "The Last Battle". Even without any other reason, you need to read all of the chronicles just so you can read the last book. It's just so beautiful and encouraging. C.S. Lewis=the man.
38. Laura, who is the best friend someone could ask for.
39. Fresh laundry.
40. Reconciliation ohhhh man. So good. Also, I like "reconciliation" more than "confession", because reconciling yourself with God is the purpose to confess in the first place.
41. Mumford & Sons and Alive in Wild Paint
42. This moment I had yesterday:
I called home to talk about plane-tickets and such with my family, and my little brother, Drew, answered the phone. I got excited and had a moment where I'm sure at the other end, air flew out of the ear piece and knocked over Drew like in a cartoon. "HI, DREW!!" "Hi, Annie!" "OH MY GOSH HOW ARE YOU??!" "I'm fine! How about you?" I was stunned. He sounded grown up. It was weird. The best part is coming. I then asked (still more excited than the 8-year-old boy), "Andrew! Guess how long until I'm back?!!" "Umm... 16 days, right?"
He swore he wasn't looking at a calendar, yet he was right. It was the sweetest thing ever.


That's it for now, hope all are having blessed weeks!

WOOOO

I love Easter. SO MUCH. My love of Easter was probably sparked by the reason of my existence previously stated: free/abundant food. Just kidding! Actually, it probably helped. Definitely mainly for the happy Jesus rising from the dead reason, though :)
Back home, we have many Easter traditions. These include:
-Easter vigil mass at night
-Baskets in the morning
-Brunch with the Berneros and Whiteheads
-Older-kid-inclusive Easter-egg hunt at my house
-Pretty dressing up-ness
-Easter-egg hunt at my grandparents where I get to hide eggs
-Easter dinner at my grandparents
-Night prayer with my family

So, I missed a lot being down here, but I had some lovely Easter experiences of my own. In Easter mass, I sat down to a really lovely couple about my parents' age, and the wife was just especially sweet. We both were excitedly wishing others a happy Easter along with our "Peace be with you"s, and it made us laugh. On the way home, there was a kind of sketchy-lookin dude walking towards me and I wished him a happy Easter and he lit up and laughed and wished me one. Then I did the same for my security guard, who responded similarly. After I got home, Mallory and I went to Publix to do some grocery shopping. I told Mallory about the guy on the way home, and once we were inside security on the way back, she yelled "HAPPY EASTER!!" to this random guy walking by, with no response. So she did the only reasonable thing. She yelled it again louder. "HAPPY!! EASTERRR!!!". This time he heard her, looked up, and shouted back "Oh! Happy Easter!" She was quite happy, and repeated this act with everyone else we passed until we parked. Then Mallory invented the "magic meter", which measures how much Disney magic someone possesses. People, she says, that didn't excitedly return her "Happy Easter"s obviously did not have a very high reading on the magic meter. She thought herself very clever, and neither of us could stop laughing about the magic meter and it's cleverness until we finally got into the apartment. Then I made sloppy joes, which are obviously paschal cuisine. I also got an apple pie with ice-cream for the girls for breakfast tomorrow, and made hard-boiled eggs for the first time. Woohoo! Now I'm off to bed and a little bit of "Screwtape Letters" reading before my 12 hour shift tomorrow. Also, if you are a person who will see my little brother, Will, in the near future, wish him a happy confirmation! If you are, in fact, Will, however, here's a little shout out for you :)

I am so tremendously proud of you. I am proud of your kindness, I am proud of your wisdom, and I am proud of your diligence of faith. You are such an amazing example of Christ-like love to your little brothers and everyone else you come in contact with. You have a beautiful soul, Will, and I am so looking forward to watching you grow more and more in your relationship with Jesus. He has a wonderful witness, soldier, and friend in you. I love you!

What can I say? My little brothers are totally my weakness!
Happy Easter and God bless.

Night of Stars update!

Hey guys! Can't upload video, although I'll get the DVD later if anyone wants to see it, but here's some pictures from the night!

 my roommate, Shannon, took this one of  me when my face was up on the big screen :) thought it looked cool!

here's the two girls I became closest with that night- Gabbie in the middle, and Ashton on the right. They're awesome!

Blessed and Grateful #2 (10-29)

Blessed and grateful for...
10. The Whitehead family
11. Claire's first two goals of the season! Huzzah!
12. Big, soft, salted pretzels
13. Roller coasters
14. The Andray family, plus Kim, Makennah, and Rylah (who are totally part of that family, anyway)
15. Those families that you aren't connected to in blood, but unquestionably in everything else
16. Books that use the word "bosom" like "Princess and the Goblin". It's uncomfortable and hilarious.
17. Books, period.
18. Funny ring tones- heard kim possible and "it's so fluffy!!" this week
19. Little girls in princess tiaras with sparkly eyes. It also helps when they open their autographs books for me :)
20. The prospect of Owl City's album that comes out in June!! If you don't read this blog, and feel the need to read some seriously profound, clever, inspiring, and wholesome thoughts of an artist, this is where it's at: http://owlcityblog.com/
21. Sunshine
22. Cloud cover
23. Kids that write me cards and draw me pictures
24. Twitter and it's ability to distract me from minor facebook withdrawal
25. Peach yogurt
26. Yogayogayogayogayoga
27. Ricola cough drops
28. Water
29. Holy Thursday mass! Basilica choir at Mary, Queen of the Universe= Love

Whewwww that was surprisingly easy, actually.
Happy Holy Thursday!

Family fun times

Although immediate family has yet to visit me here in the happiest place on earth, I have gotten the closest I  possibly could this week. My best friend's family, that is, her brother and dad, along with his girlfriend and her two daughters, came down this past week and I got to spend a day with them at Magic Kingdom. It was so fun! I love nannying, and Kim always shares her daughters with me when we're all together. Although I missed Lyndsey terribly, it was wonderful to see all of them. The only place I spend more time in than my own house is their house, and they bring the feeling of welcome wherever they go. It's a wonderful thing when you realize that home is in people, not in latitudes and longitudes. Then, today, I was fortunate enough to go to a Woodson lax game that was being played at the ESPN wide world of sports, where my good friend, Claire, melted some faces. By that, I mean she scored a goal WOOHOO! I have known Claire since she was about four, I think, and it sounds inaccurate to call her anything but my sister. Our parents just got back from Italy together for their 25th anniversary trip, and we've all been talking about story-swapping when we finally are reunited in three weeks. I didn't spend all night with Claire, because Disney World is definitely at team-bonding opportunity, but it was wonderful to get to see her for at least a couple hours. I can't believe I only have three weeks left! My brother and I have just started talking about our plans for him flying down and us driving back. It's crazy. Now I'm starting to make plans for work and such when I get home. This "adult" thing is a busy business. I'm excited to start working... while out of a fur coat and the sun haha. Something I'm looking forward to more is coming home from work to my family. To my mom who I can share anything with, to my sister who can make any situation hilarious and talk sense into any of my melodramatics, and my brothers who consistently turn my world, and more often than not, my frowns, upside down. I'm also looking forward to ultimate. I love me some ultimate. My first week will probably be spent actually seeing Kevin with my own eyes, catching up with people, hanging out with Christophe as much as I possibly can before he leaves for Seattle for the summer, and trying to get readjusted to Fairfax life. This week I've chewed through three books. Two of them were set in high-school, and written by the wonderful John Green, who is both witty and insightful. I was kind of hesitant to read a high-school set book, because I took to thinking that it would revolve around the basic high-school social environment: drama, politics, and immature romance. It's basically real life that just admits to being what it is. Green definitely wove some relevant and thought-provoking themes into these books though. If you want to check them out, they are called "Looking for Alaska" and "Paper Towns". The other is a book written in the 1800s called "The Princess and the Goblin". Just a fun story from childhood that is 300 pages long- it was a fun thing to go back to. The first two books, however, really reminded me of things that I should have taken away from similar experiences I had in high school. I started writing down memories I had forgotten, and I had a chance to talk to some of my closer high school friends and talked to them about these memories and just about friendship in general. It was very cool. Okay, Mallory just woke up for work so I'm going to go to sleep. I hope this post was coherent? Maybe? I'll check it tomorrow...

New Idea! Blessed and Grateful #1

Reading my the blog of one of the most inspiring, hysterical, and all around wonderful women I know, Mary Lenaburg, I came across a terrific idea! She lists things she is blessed and grateful for, and will expand on that list more and more occasionally as the blogs go on. I really like this idea, and I think it might make the giving up complaining for Lent issue a little easier. So here's my first part of the list! In hers, it looks as if they are usually pretty timely and specific, so I'm going to try to follow suit.

Grateful and Blessed list (1-9)
1. Making a new friend at work today and getting to see a new character, Angelica, in the park.
2. The light rain walking to the bus. It was so refreshing!
3. My two roommates who came to night of stars
4. All of the new friends I met at night of stars
5. Going on the carousel at Magic Kingdom for the first time
6. The awesome bus system at Disney
7. The free food we got at work. Woohoo!
8. One particularly lovely family I got to play with at work today- the grandma totally made my day when she gave me a kiss on the cheek and told me I reminded her of her puppy.
9. My sister finding her prom dress! I showed her the website she found it on, and it made me feel like I was actually involved in the process. I was afraid, coming here, that I wouldn't.

I'm sure I'll pick up with this soon :)

Night of Stars

Monday was definitely the most fun I've had during my whole college program here at Disney. It was so refreshing being around musicians, being around people that have a passion for something. I woke up at 6, packed up my guitar, dress, lunch, and everything else, and headed to Magic Kingdom first to get a new ID (no luck on finding my lanyard... reported it stolen, sadly), and then I went to Hollywood Studios where we checked in, had vocal warm-ups, were fed breakfast, and started tech rehearsal. I was just blown away. The sound system was flawless, the venue was huge, the lighting was blinding, but still awesome, and the technicians were so cool! I had so much fun. The sound techies mixed my voice live so there were some cool echos and other effects, and I got to joke around with them about meat-dresses and such and it was just a blast. After tech rehearsal, we ate some lunch, practiced some more, and started getting ready for dress rehearsal. Dress rehearsal was madness. I've never had four different girls giving me hair and make-up advice at once, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't intimidated. In the end, wearing my chucks with my shimmery dress, lipstick, and curled hair was my favorite wardrobe choice :) After dress rehearsal, we had interviews to be put on the Night of Stars DVD. We had some time to relax and eat dinner after that, and it was really nice bonding time. At this point, we had all been together for 12 hours, and friendships had definitely formed. I especially got to kno a girl named Gabbie, who was a vocalist, and a German international student named Jason, a DJ, who ended up winning the best "Specialty Act" with his partner, who is a Yo-yo national champion. I already knew three of the girls there through work, so it was nice to see a couple familiar faces. Waiting to perform was crazy. Thankfully, Gabbie was right in front of me, and I simply adore her voice. It was very calming to hear a friend perform right before you, and she did so well! The performance itself was terrifying. Singing in front of people is a fear that I've been trying diligently to get over for a while now, but it still petrifies me. Also, a venue that seats 900 was packed to standing room only. That didn't help. After being psychologically pushed around about what jewelry I should wear on stage, I ended up ditching everything but my favorite wooden cross, and that helped me initially walk out. Also, the stage manager told me that I was the production team's favorite, which made me feel special, especially being a techie myself. Anyways, I performed. I forgot lyrics at one point, I definitely went to fast in the beginning, and I was totally fine with it. It was scary, but it was amazing. I made some wonderful friends, I had a great day surrounded by exceedingly talented people, and it was an unforgettable experience. My rooommates, Mallory and Shannon, came, along with Natasha and Kelsen, and we all went to steak and shake. Jason, and the "All-Around Best" winner, Ninam, a beat boxer came with us. I almost fell on my plate, but it was a wonderful way to end the day. So that's about it as far as night of stars goes. I get my paycheck card in a week and a half, so surviving till then will be an adventure no doubt haha. I did just turn in a big wedding planning project this morning, and I did really well. I'm so excited to find out what my grade is! I'm reaching the last few pages of "Man Alive," which has been such a great book, of course, and my John Green books, "Paper Towns," and "Looking for Alaska," just came in the mail today!! Perfect timing. DFTBA people. For non-nerdfighters and people that don't follow the vlogbrothers on youtube, that means don't forget to be awesome :)

Peace.

Deep Breaths.

I gave up complaining for lent. Therefor, you can try to extricate how my day was by the list of things I told myself I should thank God for all day:
-Thank you, God, for my car.
-Thank you, God, that I have a job.
-Thank you, God, that I have roommates that won't kill me in my sleep.
-Thank you, God, that I have a house with air-conditioning that at least works some of the time.
-Thank you, God, that I have a home to go to after the program.
-Thank you, God, for my opportunity to go to school.
-Thank you, God, for my credit card that also works occasionally.
-Thank you, God, for my boyfriend who exists and is awesome even when he's 900 miles away.
-Thank you, God, for my family who I talk to.
-Thank you, God, that my best friend is my best friend and also still talks to me.
-Thank you, God, for my awesome community that will still be existent when I come home.

Whew. Night of stars is on monday, huge project due thursday, really excited for both! Also, for night of stars, they feed us breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Free food=reason for my existence. Ok, granted, when it comes to food I am prone to exaggeration. Must skype/sleep now. By the way, yoga is awesome! Go do it!

37 days!!

I feel like I can almost taste the Fairfax air! My roommate, Mallory, and I realized just how close the end is and we've compiled a to-do list before we leave. It's nice to be on the same page as someone. Tonight, we're going to eat at house of blues and see a movie at the theatre in downtown disney. We're going to look cute, which is always fun :) I haven't worn eye-liner in so long! I also finally finished another book called Men, Women, and the Mystery of Love, which is a wonderful book written by Edward Sri, whose talk I went to last FOCUS conference. The book is a commentary on JPII's Love and Responsibility, and serves as a guide of application. It was so good! There are so many thing out there to learn and think about, and I've never been as desperate to read everything and anything good I can as I have been down here. I'm already on chapter 4 of my next book, called Man Alive by G.K. Chesterton. The main character, Innocent Smith, is a man who is so full of simple, pure, and wise joy and passion. The way he interacts with other characters and life in general is so inspiring. It definitely helps me notice moments where I could choose to be more joyful in life. One of these instances was this morning. Disney can change my schedule as long as it's 24 hours or more before the shift, and they warned us about this early on. This, however, has never happened to me, so I simply woke up at 4:45 this morning and showered before heading to work my 6:15 shift. I said a decade on the way to work and just listened to some of my favorite worship songs (Always Have, Always Will by Avalon, Sea of Faces by Kutless, and Owl City's cover of In Christ Alone), and it just felt like such a grace-filled morning, especially considering I woke up before five with four hours of sleep. When I got on the bus that takes me from the parking lot to the park, a man announced "It's the driver's birthday, so everyone make sure to wish her a good one!". Everyone did as we got off the bus, and she had one of the biggest smiles on her face I've ever seen. After I found out I wasn't working, I headed back to the same bus, and had a lovely conversation with that same bus driver. The drive home was much like the drive to work, and because I had coffee, I decided not to go home and sleep again. I grabbed my guitar and went to our volley-ball court near the water to just play around. I started writing a song, and enjoyed the quiet, cool morning. After that I went home and worked on homework, took a nap, and got together with my group to finish our project that's due tomorrow. This day has just been a really good day off, and it's the first day I haven't struggled with gossip or complaining since lent began. Those two, to my surprise, have been the hardest parts of lent. Making time for prayer in the morning is easier because I either drive or take the bus in the morning, and facebook is much easier this year than it was for me last year. I think the environment here is just very conducive to both gossip and complaining; performers are around people lacking common sense all day, and it's so easy to make passing comments about them or other performers, or to complain about the very small, inconsequential inconveniences they present. I think today has been a good encouragement for going into the rest of my week. Also, the character in Man Alive  that I mentioned earlier has a wonderful knack for noticing and mentioning the positive in any and every aspect of creation he comes across, whether it be a person or a leaf. I tried this tactic yesterday, and it led to a great little chat with a foreign lady in line for groceries. I told her that her earrings were pretty, and we talked about how we both really enjoy thrift stores and flea markets. I then mentioned that I loved one of the cashiers long, silver hair to the lady with the earrings. She commented that she liked how I was so easily made happy by everything. What a wonderful thing to aspire to! I told her that I was trying my best, which is very genuinely true. Anyways, so excited about coming up on this home stretch for coming home!

Nice things

I was always confused when people say that they like "nice things". I also like nice things, but I don't mean  to say that I like big tv's or fancy restaurants or shiny shoes. Nice things hold value, but those things never did, for me. For me, when people say "nice things", the first things that come to mind are things like hand-written notes, good conversation, and hot chocolate. This past week involved a lot of my nice things. I have known a couple of girls from one of my classes since the beginning of my program, and we've always gotten along well, but we recently started spending time together. It is wonderful! Natasha and Kelsen are cousins from Utah, and they're both just lovely. They're grounded girls with their heads and the right place, yet they can also be fun and helplessly romantic- which, of course, is something we have in common. Well... the second pair of adjectives, at least. We stayed up talking last week and ate strawberries and pretzels dipped in melted chocolate and frosting the other week while talking about our families, friends, and faiths. Kelsen is Mormon, and her moral code is so encouraging. It took a bit, but I've finally found some girls that want to have fun the way I think of fun. They don't need alcohol, but it usually requires food :) My type of girls, for sure! The other day we stayed up and ate white cheddar cheez-its and watched episodes of the twilight zone. After that, we talked more about our lives, started planning their visit to D.C., which we have all sworn to implementing, and I got to do some healthy gushing about Kevin's visit.
Which I will do a very abridged version of now.
I picked up him up at the airport, we checked him into the hotel where I talked to the concierge (we have mutual friends in the program) and awkwardly explained that only he was checking in and that I obviously wasn't too because we're not married or grown-ups and feeling judged walking him to his room and wanting to explain to everyone that passed us that I wasn't staying and ugh it was emotionally distressing. I mean... I got over it eventually haha. Then he came back to my apartment and got to meet some of my roommates. I got him out of there as soon as possible, lest he be fully exposed to roommate behavior ( I failed, he definitely got them in full blast the following couple of days). Then we watched Forrest Gump, which was awesome! We also went for a walk to the basilica and walked around outside- there's a beautiful little shrine to the Blessed Mother and Child, along with a lovely little rosary garden. It was so separate from what I've gotten used to in the abrasive world that is the college program, so it was very refreshing. I had to go to class for the majority of the next day, but headed to dinner with his brother, Ryan, after I finally got home. I gave Kevin a Metallica history lesson on the way, because, apparently, Ryan likes Metallica, and we got to talk about it during dinner. It was funny, because I thought gaining that knowledge was a total waste of time. We did go to the wrong Seasons 52 at first... so we were late... which is something Kevin and I are good at. The next day we were at Islands of Adventure all day- mostly in The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. BUTTERBEER IS THE BOMB. One of my favorite parts was buying Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans and picking them for each other. I succeeded in picking a few really, very truly nasty ones. We ate dinner that night at Bubba Gump Shrimp, staying true to watching the movie earlier. We also watched "The Last Lecture" which one of my favorite books is based off of. Read it if you have a weekend to yourself! The next day, we slept in a bit, headed to Animal Kingdom, where I got to show Kevin where I work sometimes, take some pictures with characters, and see both the Finding Nemo musical and The Festival of the Lion King.
**Oh! Fun fact! Translation of the beginning of the Lion King:

Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba [Here comes a lion, Father]
Sithi uhm ingonyama [Oh yes, it's a lion]

Nants ingonyama bagithi baba
Sithi uhhmm ingonyama
Ingonyama

Siyo Nqoba [We're going to conquer]
Ingonyama
Ingonyama nengw’ enamabala [A lion and a leopard come to this open place]**

so that was hysterical, and we laughed about that for a while. The best part of that show is that there was this little girl with dirty blonde hair and big green eyes that couldn't have been older than five who was sitting next to us. Near the end of the show, I poked Kevin and both of us marveled at her adorable-ness. I realized that her mom probably noticed we were staring and I told her, "She is just so precious!" Her mom said thank you, and a couple moments later, she laughed and told me that the daughter asked her what "precious" meant. I told her that it mean very, very cute and special. I wish I got a picture with that little girl instead of pooh, she was way cuter. Then we went to epcot where we walked around, took pictures, went on a couple of rides, and watched the fireworks show. We ate at planet hollywood, which , by the way, has amazing barbeque bacon cheeseburgers, and watched Up at the hotel. The next day, we went to church in the morning, and drove to Tampa right afterwards to have lunch with Kevin's older brother, Troy. It wasn't exactly in tamp, it was in this place called Ybor City. Kevin promised me roaming chickens, but apparently, some recent construction has scared them off. Both of Kevin's brothers are great. They are very kind, very friendly people, and I felt welcome in their company. After lunch with Troy, I took Kevin to the airport. We split some starbucks and reminisced about the visit, and then we said good-bye at security. It was sad, but I only have a month and a half left here- 7 weeks. I'm so excited about going home! I got a great letter from my sister, and it just made me want to get on a plan then and there. My mom pointed out something to me the other day, though, that was insightful and encouraging. I am here for a reason. I'm not sure what the reason is, but there is a greater one than "forwarding my resume". I hope I can live it out to the best of my ability, but I also think I'm going to make a tear-away countdown to coming home tonight :)

Excitement and Kleenex

Ok! So when we last saw our struggling, overly-bedazzled college programmer, she was sick, yet enthused with being accepted into the Disney talent show.
...Not much has changed haha.
I called to confirm that I want to participate, and I left a message, but wasn't able to talk to anyone which kind of worries me, but, eh, no big. I really should be finishing my last 10 pages of "Common Sense 101", right now, but I just got back from work at Hollywood Studios, and I have a box of white cheddar cheezits that I'm going to do some damage on while I blog and watch an episode of one of my favorite shows, The Big Bang Theory. I looooove me some Big Bang Theory... and white cheddar cheezits.
Anyways, because my fever finally went away yesterday, I decided to go for a run. I am still a little sick, and I haven't run in 3 days, so I did 2.5 and was exhausted. Last week, when Mallory went for a run, her I.D. fell somewhere and she couldn't find it. I got scared by this and wore really big basketball shorts so I could keep my I.D. safe in the deep confines of the boy-pockets. Lo and behold, it still manages to fall out at some point of my run. I went back and looked for it, but it was late and dark. Thankfully, some kind soul from the richy-rich complex found it and returned it. I've heard a lot of stories like mine where people hear a story, get scared into changing their routine, and the thing they were scared of happening happened as a result of that change. I bet there's a word for that in German...
Last week, I got to do some great networking with the wedding planners here. I really think that if I keep up contact with them, I might have a place here for me in a couple years with the professional internship. I'm going to write a thank-you note to the woman I interviewed, because I think I did a really good job on the assignment having to do with networking, thanks to her. We have a huge project due in that class at the end of the semester and I'm so pumped for it. It's a huge board that describes (and artistically presents) the career that we want. I'm thinking some lace, some satin ribbon, some scrap-booking paper, rhine stones, pearls, and toulle and BAM! we got ourselves a winner :) In my other class, marketing you, we had a sub who spoke a good bit of class about C.S. Lewis and Tolkein. He was hysterical! He also mentioned that he was not a relativist, when he was talking about how he believes in being honest with people you work with if they have a viewpoint that is wrong, but humble enough to admit when you might be wrong. He claimed that he would never see us again, so after class, I approached him and asked, "Can I make a prediction?" He looked kind of surprised, but said "Uh..Sure?" I said "You're Catholic, you know about the Inkpots, and are probably a Chesterton fan." He laughed out loud and said that I was right. We talked about a couple of books and swapped favorite quotes for a bit and then exchanged e-mails. It was funny, I felt like Kevin. Speaking of which! Kevin comes down this coming week, and I'm SUPER CRAZY EXCITED. Who's going to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter? Yeah. That's right. We are.

Dry updates are like toast. No butter. No jelly. Just toast.

I have a fever... this thoroughly disables whatever organ comes up with the billions of metaphors and other cleverness apparatuses that I occasionally put to use.

Ergo (and consider yourself warned), a completely dry, thoroughly empirical update.

1. I auditioned for the "Night of Stars" talent show and did not feel that great about the audition- I got an email today saying that I've been selected to participate :) I'm super excited!

2. I was able to interview an assistant wedding planner for Disney's Fairy Tale Weddings today, and it went great!

3. Tomorrow, I get to go to a networking seminar for Disney event planning- it's sure to be very interesting,  so I'm also very excited for that.

... because this feels so immensely inadequate and unsatisfying, I'll probably write something at least attempting above robotic emotion tomorrow.

Faith, trust, and... oh geez, please no more pixie dust.

Something about this place has made me sarcastic. I think it's overexposure to sparkles. Actually... I'm sure it's overexposure to sparkles. Any of the glitter, color, ostentatiousness, joviality, and otherwise stated pomp that would, or could, be included in my normal day to day is extremely augmented and then concentrated into my work environment. Don't get me wrong, I love happiness. I would not be working for Disney if I did not love happiness, and, of course, the happiness that comes with entertaining people. But, this being my blog, I must use a metaphor. If you get sick of metaphors easily, hold your breath and speed-read, it will end at some point.
In the summer, my family makes a ton of lemonade. We use country something or other powder to make this lemonade. For me, making lemonade is difficult. My thought process is usually as follows:
"Wow. It's hot outside. I want lemonade. Dang it! There isn't any made in the fridge... Ok, here we go again. What? Fluid oz.? But... there aren't pounds of water... there are liters... how many is 16 oz then? How many are in a liter? This pitcher could maybe be a liter or two I suppose. WHAT. There aren't even any markings on this pitcher! Should I call mom? Heck, I bet Greg could even figure this out... Gah I don't want to look stupid, I have to just try a couple times. WOAH HO that is way too sweet. Yep and that tastes like water now..."
My point is, balance. There is too much sugar in my pitcher.
An effect of this overly-sweetened life is trying to make some balance. Gossip in the break-room and complaining about shifts used to not be a problem for me, but it's been introducing itself lately. So I gave it up for lent. No more complaining or gossiping. I've given up gossiping before, and it was really tough. Surprise! It's tough again. I didn't realize how tempting it really is until I gave it up. It's an easy way in to conversation, an even easier conversation starter, and it takes all potentially criticizing eyes away from you and onto another person. To be completely honest, the more I keep myself from doing it, the more I realize the poisoning effects it has. It is definitely making it less difficult.
As far as complaining goes, Japan knocked that out of me pretty effectively.

"Why don't they give us real food instead of desserts" loses in a my horse is bigger than your horse contest with "I don't have a home or food anymore" any day of the week. I also think that not complaining can only be made easier with gratitude. I'm really excited to see what the effects of this Lent are for me. Anyways, finally got some pictures worth sharing for you all :)

Here is a character that I have become quite close to ;)

And here he is again with some of his friends! 

Shmlove

The first two paragraphs or so are a me-history, if you will, so if you are my mother or sibling, you can skip to the bottom for current things :)
My parents both went to UVA, and were involved in FCA there. My Dad was, initially, the only Catholic in the big group of them. Probably to my pastor-grandpa's discontent, he was the guy that my Evangelical Free Church mom fell for. While they were in that FCA, they founded some very, very strong bonds with a good number of people there. The men, especially, stayed incredibly close after college. They called themselves "shmoo"s. They all grew, and were married, and started families of their own. Now, we are 13 families, with some adult children who are second generation shmoos. I am a second generation shmoo, and, as such, have been given an indescribable gift. Since birth, I have belonged to a family bonded through faith and friendship. This past summer, I had one of the best experiences of my life with a number of my shmoo brothers and sisters on the beach. We stayed awake, talking from 2 till 6 in the morning, about everything and anything that mattered in life, in the most encouraging and uplifting ways, bolstered by the love we have for each other.
I have two girls that I have always felt especially close to in the shmoos (although I love all of them more than I could ever say). Their names are Kati and Kali. Kati is a year older than I am, and is not only my sister, but a mentor, and a dear friend to my heart. She goes to school in Texas, and her family resides in Turkey. I miss her lots and lots. Kali is a bit younger than me, but we used to be inseparable when we would get together when we were younger. She is a ball of joy and sunshine and many other wonderful things. Kali and her family were in Orlando this week, and I got to visit them at their hotel-- which was just down the road from where I live! It was very cool. True to our pasts, we stayed up from 11pm-3am talking. Her parents were there for the first couple of hours, but left us to be teenage girls for the rest of it. It was so nice to have family here.
Familiar faces have been a saving grace for me. A couple weeks ago, one of my amazing youth ministers, Nate, and his wife, Margaret, were down here on vacation. I got to spend a few hours with them, too, and it's one of the most encouraging things to just see someone you know.  It also helps that the people that I've seen are people that have always been uplifting influences in my life. Anyways, Kali, if you're reading this... I love you! We shmoos think/know that if we add "shm" to anything it automatically personalizes it and makes it cooler, so I suppose you could call this a "shmout-out" :D. Woops, attempts at cleverness at 3 am. That means I will look at this tomorrow and it will no longer be clever.
I realized I mentioned this earlier with no explanation. Tomorrow (Friday), is my un-birthday. In my apartment, we all either have legitimate birthdays during the program, or we've picked a day to be our "un-birthday", so we all get a special day. So far, they've been lots of fun! Tomorrow's mine, so I guess that's kind of exciting. I will celebrate by scheduling a doctors appointment. And doing laundry. Know why? Because I'm an adult, remember?! That was too much enthusiasm for it being so late at night... Anyways, my cousin, Caity, comes down next week, and I'm so excited! She is, besides absolutely beautiful, a very sweet girl, and I always enjoy spending time with her. I would come up with something clever to end with... but, again, I won't find it clever tomorrow, so I think I'll pass :)
God bless!

First Morning Blog!

Today, I made myself do things I knew I'd be happy about later. This is a skill that quite a few species of animals have in relation to migration even in their youngest years, but not that very many humans of "superior intellect" in their college years have come to acquire. I woke up bright and early at 7:10, and got to mass a half hour early at 7:30 for some journaling and reading and other stuff that makes my soul happy. After mass, at about 9:15, I went for a run...with ashes still on my forehead. I thought about washing them off first, but I remembered that when you're away from home, it's harder to remember holy days of obligation. I decided that I'd be very grateful to see a reminder if I had, by chance, forgotten. The interactions with people were obviously different. Some people, not unlike when I'm running without a big black cross on my forehead, looked determinedly forward or downward. Others looked confused. Others exchanged knowing smiles with me. People squinted through car windows, and my security guard said "Oh, hey! It's ash wednesday!" I laughed and joked "Aw, no, I just thought this would look cute..." We laughed together and I told him I just got back from mass. He smiled and wished me a nice day. Reactions are always going to be different when you mark yourself obviously as a Catholic, or a Christian, even. I have heard stories from nuns and priests that go through this every day. It kind of made me think about how simply a mark can identify a person. Words also can boldly state affiliations and beliefs. How clear, how significant would acts need to be in order to be unquestionable evidence of being a follower of Christ?
My audition the other day was fun, not too sure how I did, but I did it for fun, so no worries. I ended up singing paparazzi into telephone- it sounds sweet acoustically. My unbirthday is in two days...
Oh! Lent! I'm giving up gossiping, complaining at work, and facebook, and I'm going to start doing morning prayer every morning. Excited!! The sermon at mass was talking about cutting out not just what is impeding your walk with Christ, but things that are keeping it from being the best it could possibly be. Although I think facebook has many honest, good uses, it eats so much of my time that I could be using to do awesome reading and learning and other better things. Complaining and gossiping are just mood-draggers. Morning prayer will be a challenge for me, but the priest (who is new to Mary, Queen of the Universe and it is my favorite priest I've heard since I've been here) also said looking for little things that could do big things in our spiritual lives. Making time in the morning is definitely one of those things.
Anyways, I officially can have animal instincts, was my first point. Now I'm writing in my blog at an hour earlier than 3 am on my day off, and I'm quite pleased with myself.
...Now I'm off to do more adult things. aka go to Disney World.


update: I already want facebook. But! I did learn a good chunk of French today from the friends with whom I went to Typhoon Lagoon. My favorite is "Je suis très dégoûté!" It means "I am very disgusted!" It's just very fun to say. I also learned to say things like "You are cute, I am hungry, I want to eat, she is small, kiss, I love you, you are goofy, sarcastic, who is he?" and lots more. It's really fun, and making fun of accents is even more fun... for them. It's times like these that build up humility :)

I have a condition. And conditioner. I like conditioner more.

Ok, so first off, I have to go the doctors, because there is something wrong with me. It's comforting to know that no one is completely, perfectly healthy... and that other than this thing, I'm pretty close. Anyways, every once and a while (a few times a week) I get this really intense, sharp pain in the middle of my left rib cage. Because my family has heart history (as in we have a history of heart problems, not as in we all have history of having hearts... even though I suppose that is true as well), I decided to finally get it checked out when I went home about a month ago. It's been going on for a bit over a year but I was convinced that I could overcome it/ it would go away/ I am invincible, so I only got it checked out now. I got an EKG and a basic examination and everything was fine. If I remember correctly, my doctor even said that I had really amazing blood pressure... but I digress. She said that if she is reading my symptoms correctly, there is nothing wrong with my heart, but she was 95% sure that I have a "condition" that involves a splinter of the intercostal cartilage in my rib cage inflaming the surrounding tissue and occasionally pinching nerves in that tissue. I don't know if anyone reading this has pinched a nerve before, but I don't think I have besides this condition. I guess the only way to describe this from a more widespread perspective is to imagine a muscle cramp, then concentrate it into a pencil point. I don't like to complain or exaggerate... but my doctor called it "temporary, sharp, and intensely forceful pain". Thankfully, it only lasts from 1-3 seconds, normally. Those seconds hurt, but they're usually over quickly, so it's really not a big deal. I was, however, in my costume when it happened the other day, and I messed up on an autograph, which made me sad :( Anyways, I thought I should explain this, and I will very rarely mention it because I don't like talking about being sick/other physical ailments. We all have them in varying degrees of discomfort, so I don't see a need to complain about mine. I do have to get an echocardiogram while I'm here at some point, though, so I might say how that goes.
The worst part is that all of these developments are happening 900 miles from home. Even though I won't complain too much/ignore the existence of medical issues, they become more scary when you're dealing with them without your mom close by. This became very clear today when I had a 3 or 4 second long spell and all I wanted was a warm cookie (or something else warm that includes lots of unnecessary calories) and my mom. I think the reason I want my mom is because even though I like feeling, or appearing, tough, I know I can't fool her. She held me in my most fragile state, and knows a piece of that has endured. She's the one who has come to know my weakness in every scratch and every bruise that she has tended to, and who has seen my vulnerability in every tear she has wiped off my face over the course of my childhood. It's true that, for me, there have been far less tears than injuries, but she will always see through my toughness.
Ok, so I audition for the talent show tomorrow if I can fill an empty slot. I'm nervous because I am torn between auditioning with Jack Johnson to show off some more guitar stuff, Lady Gaga for vocal stuff, or   a song called "Boats and Birds" for originality. I think I'm going to ask whoever is auditioning me what they'd like to hear, because I really just don't know at this point. I also don't even know if I'll get a slot... which is sad. I also got re-measured today and get to be another character! Heck yes for the company wrongly measuring me a whole inch and a half!

Worries

"Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself."
-Matthew 6:34

Yeah, I'm on it...?

A Tacky Bob Marley Quote

Ok, so I went on facebok today. Multiple times. I've decided to give it up for lent- inspired by my friend, John. I did it last year, but I figured I wouldn't this year because it's a big way to connect with people back home. Facebook, however, does not hold a candle to the communication that phones and skype enable, so I'm sure I'll be fine. I'm also thinking of giving up texting? But that might be difficult, what with roommates and things. Maybe next year. Anyway, back to facebook (isn't that how life just feels, anyway? it's kind of pathetic, but I digress). I was looking at my mini-feed and I saw this quote from Bob Marley as one of my friend's statuses:
"Just can't live that negative way...make way for the positive day" and went on with little hearts and people were "like"ing it and there was profoundness proclaimed and blah, blah, blah... All in all it was just really hokey sounding. Even when I talked to Kevin tonight, I mentioned it and we laughed about it. Reading Chesterton I think leads skepticism and pickiness about what counts as "profound". Anyways, looking back, I really think I was mistaken. Just because I might read what some would consider "higher literature" in comparison to Bob Marley lyrics, there is some definite truth in that. I've kind of been in a funk lately. Not sure how this funk came about, but it's been almost all-encompassing. It's really no fun, and I hate being in funks because I more prone to complaining, and I don't like complaining, and I can almost guarantee that 98% of the time, no one wants to hear any of it. Getting to the point, funk= bad on many levels. Then there was a crazy coincidence because Kevin was like hey don't worry about stuff, and then I was like hey that makes me have songs stuck in my head. One is "Don't you worry, about a thing, 'cuz every little thing, is gonna be alright..." Which is Three Little Birds, by Bob Marley, again. Which is just ironic. The second is this incredibly cheesy Jesus song that I learned when I was little and it went "Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself," and then it repeated. I don't remember absorbing this message as a child, but I do remember it's obnoxious level of perkiness. The ridiculous part of this is that I had been thinking about the scripture that song was based off of (Mt 6:24-34), and then BAM. It's the gospel at church the next day. Now that's just craziness. I believe that coincidences happen... and yeah I just don't think that was one of them. 
So back to my all-encompassing funk of worry and such. I don't know why, but, surprisingly, I had an "aha" moment in the shower tonight. Which is weird, but at the same time, I'm kind of weird, so it's not really all that surprising, I suppose. I realized that of all of the gospels I've heard and remembered, this was one that I had always heard and taken as "advice", when really... it's the gospel. It's not advice, it's instructions on how to live like Christ. Living like Christ has always gotten me out of funks. So I stopped and looked at parts of my life and thought about what I do need to be thinking about today, what I'm assigning unnecessary stress and over-thought  to, and how I live for Christ in the here and now. I know that when I live that way, I entrust way more to God, and lose a lot of control (or what feels like a lot of control to me). It's a tough, grown-up Christian moment, when you realize that you have to reject lukewarmness. You have to reject all control that keeps you from being surrendered to God's will. I don't think the Allies would have let Germany off with a warning at Versailles, or let them just kind of withdraw some of their armies from occupational territory. As much as I hate to admit it, and as inconvenient as it is, my faith, along with my willingness to conform to a plan that is so much bigger than me, cannot be relative. I also think that, to many, it would seem almost against Catholic teachings to hear, "Father, what can I do?" and hearing "Don't worry." But we don't have to. Like Bob Marley said, (and please don't take this as encouragement to base doctrine or dogma after this guy), "don't you worry... everything is gonna be alright", and "make way for the positive day". Both of these verses hold some serious truth in them, and it really was the thing I needed to at least start digging myself out of the hole that I found myself in the past couple of days. 
p.s. medical update coming soon.

Defining "Home"

Like most people, I don't expect to live in one place my whole life. Even though I call my apartment "home" while I'm in Florida, it does not come close to living up to my "home" standards. I went back to my legitimate home last week, and it was a lovely reminder. It was a reminder of what an amazing foundation I had to jump off of to come here in the first place, of things I have already been through and ways I have learned, and especially of all that I have to look forward to when I come back for real in May. My brother's musical was amazing- he was just spectacular. I've always known the kid was talented, but he just continues to amaze me. I'm pretty sure he's the only person I've ever met who could seriously grow up to do absolutely anything he put his mind to. I also loved being back at Robinson- I've always felt at home in her halls. Robinson reminded me that home means familiarity. Watching my brother perform, though, reminded me of something else. When I was home, my mom and dad took me out to lunch, where they surprised me with my grandparents also being there! My mom's parents- Mormor and Grandpa, are both in their early 80s, and are wonderful, hysterical people who have always been youthful at heart. Watching Will, and spending time with my grandparents reminded me that home is also love. Can home also incorporate change though? If home is familiarity, what happens when a renovation or an addition is needed? Just because there are new aspects to a home, does it lose its essence of being a home? I thought about this a few times while back in Fairfax. Then I realized that I did have a new home. Homes aren't always places, though they often are. While being amongst familiarity and love, I did have a new addition. I usually try to stay away from the gushy to some level, but this one is kind of unavoidable. Kevin came with me to my brother's musical, walked the halls of my high school, and generally just brought insurmountable happiness to my visit. Him being there, although we've been dating just two months (today, actually :) super excited), he is also home. This is because home is not just familiarity and love, although those are both very important facets. Home is resilience. Home is resilient because home is a part of life, and life never stops changing. More than that, home is a necessary companion to living life. As far as what I did when I was home, it was great! Kevin picked me up from the airport, we took a romantic drive in D.C. (aka got lost/took a wrong turn, depending on who tells the story), had fondu dinner with my family at 11 p.m., I got to sleep in!!, had coffee and coffee cake with my mom the next morning as we talked about Chesterton and humility and generally just really good topics that I don't think many daughters and moms talk about, sang at mass at Bellarmine chapel with the best music ministry people EVER!, went to a lovely TNS that included baked ziti, had a doctor's appointment where I found out I have a healthy heart, yay!, went to daily mass, had coffee with my coffee girls, went to lunch with parents and grandparents, went to will's musical, saw some great talent at CCM coffeehouse, hung out with people for a little bit, had breakfast the next morning with boyfriend and parents, packed, and headed for the airport. I didn't stop moving for most of it, and I loved every minute of it! I miss it so much, but at the same time, I'm so happy that I have something so wonderful, something so perfectly and exquisitely "home"-ly to return to in 4 months.

Endurance

I've gotten in pretty good shape since I've been here. Only some of it, and only recently, has it been on purpose. Because I'm in a hot costume all day, I drink a lot more water than I used to. If I don't eat healthy, my body doesn't feel happy during work. It's harder to move a lot of excess weight and stay on top of my game when my body isn't happy. Because salad and apples are on sale at the Disney cast member discount store, I eat a lot of salad and apples. Then I started running/elliptical-ing/other forms of working out, because I need to exhaust myself in order to sleep through the night. Doing all of the exercise because of work every day was making me stronger, and so I have to do more to tire myself out. I think my body is a little tired now, though. I took a break yesterday, but I went for a run outside today because it was cool and drizzling. I have never been able to run for very long... I was in softball, so most of my muscle is fast-twitch. I could run a football fields length fast enough to maybe impress a couple of people, but heaven forbid you ask me to run around it a couple of times.  Now, I'm learning endurance.
Endurance seems to have penetrated a lot of areas in my life recently. I can diligently stick to a check-list, I can keep my patience with roommates and co-workers for longer periods of time without getting frustrated. I know now from experience that it's true that when you ask for virtues, God gives you opportunities to build these virtues. I also am building a little bit of emotional endurance. Last week, I found I was having waves and waves of homesickness, and I was fighting back a couple of tears here and there. I find myself continuously encouraged by daily readings and the FOCUS talks. Spiritual work-outs energize me just as much as, if not more than, physical work-outs.
I am SO EXCITED to be going home this week. My brother, Will, is one of the leads in his musical, and I'm just so incredibly proud of him that I had to ask my mom to let me come home. Thankfully, I think she and my dad missed me enough to go for it :) It also means I go to TNS on Thursday to see my friends from CCM at Mason, and last but not least, Kevin! I'm also excited that, even though 2 of my roommates (one being my actual room-roommate) got strep this week, I dodged the bullet! I guess I kind of have a lot going for me right now, and I wish I was better at not complaining. I want to start reading more about the life of the saints, but I have so many things on my reading lists right now that I 'm not sure how realistic that is haha. Right now I'm reading Common Sense 101 and Perelandra, then I'll be reading Men, Women, and the Mystery of Love and That Hideous Strength, and then I have a bunch of other books here that I would like to read as well. My brain is starting to go in all directions, so that's usually a good sign that it's time for me to go to sleep.

Peer Pressure

I just drank way too much water before running, so I thought I'd buy time while my iPod recharges. Inspired by Laura and Kevin, I've been listening to talks from FOCUS conference last year on my iPod while I run and on my way to work. This has a few really amazing benefits. Firstly, I've been trying to find time to listen to these talks for a while, and now I've found it! Secondly, it's a fantastic way to start or end my day. Thirdly, everything I learn from these talks is directly applicable to everyday life, and I find myself thinking about them throughout my week. Fourthly, it's one of the ways I have to keep connected with the Catholic community in a place that's so hard to be connected with the Catholic community... Fifthly, it's incredibly encouraging. Although I do get to hug kids everyday, and I work for Disney, life is discouraging. All around me is a culture of relativism; teenage girls who are trying to grow up, to survive in a world where nothing is absolute. Hearing the message of truth in some way every day makes it so much easier to not just shy away from the pressure to live a tolerant life, but face it with conviction. Last, and probably least, it makes me run longer :) The wonderful thing about listening to these talks is that it was initially peer pressure (from Kevin) that made me start listening to them; encouragement given for the purpose of sharing Christ. This was positive peer pressure. I received a lot of this in Fairfax, from most everyone I came in contact with in the amazing community of CCM. Here, in Florida, there is still a LOT of peer pressure, but I have yet to experience the same kind. My roommates don't impose their habits on me, but it's almost passive aggressiveness. I've received subtle looks that only girls seem to give and receive based on my going to church, based on my background, and based on my beliefs, that I very gently, but firmly present when given the need. Living in a body and mind that on one hand begs for acceptance, and the other begs to live for so much more than what I witness here, I feel a little torn. I am resolute in my faith, but I know dealing with all of this would be so much easier if I had a Catholic, heck even a Christian companion down here. They've given up on inviting me to go out, and it almost makes me sad. Even though I won't ever go, it's kind of disappointing to know that I'm missing out on experiences with my roommates. It's an exclusive club that I am excluded from by choice. My roommate, though she goes out and everything, is the only one that seems fully sympathetic to my situation. I think I might try driving to UCF and look at their CCM when I get back here after my visit home. For now, I'm stuck in beautiful Florida, living for my runs where I can hear the beauty of truth flowing through my exercise headphones and I can pound out my frustrations on the treadmill. I am hopefully going home this coming week, and drinking up some encouragement for the coming months.

Twisted Caesar

All lives, all paths in life are different. Today, I realized this with growing certainty. A list of events that I never foresaw starting compiling in my mind. This list probably went something like this, "Hey! I'm going to run four freaking miles! Woah... who knew they'd provide us with a gym... in the Disney College Program.. that I'm in! Sweet! and my family is fully supporting me... and I'm a flippin' character performer! That's pretty sweet, too.. and I'm working in Disney, where I've never even been before... but Kevin has a billion times. Oh, yeah! I have a boyfriend... and he's freakin' amazing! Woah." Huh. Pretty awesome list. God is so good.
Speaking of the big guy, I went to Celebration, Florida the other day to see if I could get my feet wet in the community there. The priest there, Father Gregory, standing at a towering 6'8", more or less threw me off a dock into this community. Within minutes of meeting him, he had already made plans to introduce me to the youth leader and her assistant leaders the next day, in addition to having me come to mass the next day at 5:30 so I could witness the contemporary mass and talk to it's leader about singing and playing guitar there. I felt pulled there, though, a powerful feeling of God/s will and strengthened by my own curiosity. Needless to say, I went. It was like a twisted Caesar quote: "I came, I saw, I was severely confused." Everything was different than what I was used to. Not only was it different, it was contradictory. The mass seemed to be not a celebration of God's own son coming down to be among us and taken into our very beings, but a contemporary Christian concert. Every hymn, every mass part was played up. I was so distracted, thank goodness I read the readings ahead of time. This part was what confused me the most. I was so used to the philosophy that as we decrease, God can increase. That the music ministry was supposed to be a gentle guide to help people delve deeper into the mass, and not detract from the service in any way. Now, the musicians were all very, very talented. This talent, though, instead of shining for the glory of God, was uncomfortably bright, blinding the congregation from our Lord in the precious moments of mass when it's so important to see him and hear his words clearly. It was sad when I hurt multiple people speaking about how they were truly distracted during the service because of the music. Later, when Father Gregory asked me, "So, Annika... what did you think of the music?" The only think I could think of to describe myself was, "Well, Father... if my style at church back home was indie-acoustic... this would probably be glam-rock..." I think he understood me. I looked at him apologetically, wishing I had some other words to say. I made it clear that they were all obviously very talented. Maybe there's a reason for me being involved in this group? We'll see.
As for the youth group, it's much smaller than I'm used to. The kids are all great, all diverse. I do think that I was spoiled back in Fairfax with such knowledgeable youth ministers. I often felt that I had a better answer to one of the questions of the teens. I also felt that maybe they were more concerned with the teens coming back than what they would learn should the event occur. Still, it's a solid group of people, and I'm excited about spending more time with them. I'm exhausted. There are so many things coming up and going on, my brain and body get very tired very quickly. Night!

Woops.. this was from 2 days ago haha

I've never noticed how inconvenient food is... I've grown to love apples a lot. Especially because I can get them for a quarter each. yay. I had today off, and it was kind of wasted. I got grocery shopping done and I got a new key made for my apartment, but I haven't gone to the gym (still might), I got up at noon, and I haven't been drinking enough water. So that's kind of a bummer. Playing guitar here is great. A couple of my roommates make me play in the living room so they can listen rather than letting me hide and play in my closet (which is what I did the first few times haha). I'm getting less and less tired at work, which is great, because I have started to be productive at home. I also want to keep a personal journal in addition to doing this blog. The best part of this week has been keeping up my reading- Kevin gave me a book called Common Sense 101 for Christmas, and it's basically an introduction to the writing of G.K. Chesterton.  I'm already so excited about this book, and I've only read a few chapters. There's a lot of growing to do while I'm here, and I'm just so excited that there's potential to grow in so many parts of my life... and I plan on one of those areas being my knowledge of this author :) I guess that's all I really have to report on... it's one of those things where I could write about a lot of stuff, but I'm not sure what would be worth writing down? So yeah.

Ow.

Everything hurts. Day was no fun. Need food. Want junk food. Must eat healthy. < 3 word sentences.  Love them. Need ibprofen.  [Insert witty comment]. Bye.

Time to grow up...?

"Oh the cleverness of me." I resonated with that line in particular when of my my roommates and I watched Peter Pan the other day. He wasn't clever at all, you see, in the instance it was used. I watched this movie on Saturday. On Friday- one of my days off- I deemed it prudent to sleep in until 11 because I stayed up too late the night before. Come Friday night, I am not tired. I am simply not tired. I laid awake in bed from 10:30 until 2:30 trying to sleep, but my body was not cooperating. Next morning, my alarm goes off at 6. I realize that the night before, I set my alarm too early- I really didn't have to wake up until 6:30. So I reset my alarm-- but on my computer this time. In my sleep-deprived, drunken-esque stupor, I close the monitor on my laptop. It's a conclusion motion. My thoughts were probably somewhere along the lines of: "Okay, alarm reset, oh the cleverness of me, I'm mature doing mature tasks like setting more sensible alarms, ho ho! *closes laptop*" Then I woke up at 8:45, feeling intensely groggy and with a massive headache. I called in one of my sick days. I woke up again at 10, and felt worlds and worlds better, and kept myself busy for the rest of the day. I spent my 3 days off doing many grown-up things, not anticipating all of the factors that really go into living in a "grown-up" world. I suppose that living at home for so long has made me slightly sheltered, even though I definitely came to Florida thinking I was at least somewhat near adequately prepared. I mean... I did laundry! Still, this is only the first mistake I've made while being here, and I don't plan on repeating it. My room is clean, my pictures are hung, I put up a new shower curtain, and I went to the gym in addition to working today. You know that really determined look Popeye gets after eating his huge can of spinach? Yeah? Well that's me. I'm ready to take on anything. Also, my little sister said she felt great about her audition for James Madison, I'm LOVING the Chesterton book the boyfriend gave me for Christmas, (while on that subject) the boyfriend had a great weekend at conference, and I found my way back to base from the boat dock at animal kingdom. The grown-up world has joy in it, too :) Oh and did I mention that I ate oreos with peanut butter tonight? Because I totally did.

Here you go

Work is hard. Work is fun, but it is very, very hard.
Lugging around 60 extra pounds for a cumulative five hours every day guarantees sore feet, an aching back, a huge appetite, a border-line gluttonous need for water, and an abysmal headache. Yet, it is the most rewarding job I have ever had. I am already excited for the five months ahead, knowing that my body will soon adjust to the long hours and physical strain. Also, being a roommate is hard. It is exciting, it is fun, it is love and happiness, but it is also very, very hard. Trying to take care of my girls because it's my maternal instinct kicked into high gear means that my roommate and I have trouble agreeing to cook for others while trying to make them understand that they need to pitch in food isn't an easy task. Still, I look forward to the months ahead because I've never felt so enveloped in a small community so quickly, and I already feel so incredibly close to these girls. We just made chocolate pancakes and french toast together. I'm so excited-- I think I'm going to my first visit in the parks tomorrow! Then again, that's if I can move in the morning. I'm not sure what my physical limit is, but I feel like I'm approaching it.

I feel like my day was all summed up in one encounter that happened in my 5th shift:
I had already eaten lunch two shifts before, and I only had two left before I could go home. My body was aching from the weight, and my head was pounding from my constricted headgear. I determinedly gallumped down to my greeting spot while repeating to myself "two more shifts, two more shifts...". It was halfway through my shift, and for some reason, I was having a lot of trouble gripping pens. I was having more and more trouble shaking off this frustration. Either the autograph book would be upside down, or the pen wouldn't be open, or the book would be on a used page, or the kid didn't understand that he had to hand me the items. I was spent. With every occurrence, I was becoming more aggravated. This aggravation was making me even hotter than I already was in my stuffy costume, and exaggerated every uncomfortable feeling. Itches were itchier, aches were achier, and my desire to just stop moving was growing. Then, this little girl who barely cleared my waist came up to me with her pink feathery pen and held out her book and pen for me. I grasped for the two and realized that my grip on the pen was awkward. While trying to switch it around, I dropped the beautiful pen onto the wet, dirty ground. I was so upset that I don't think I even stayed in character. Normally, I try to pick it up myself, but I just looked at it. Then, the little girl scooped down and picked up her beautiful pen, held it up to me, and said "It's okay, here you go," and kissed me on my nose before handing me her pretty, pink pen. After successfully signing her book and taking a picture, I gave her the most genuine hug I think I have given while I've been in Florida. My life is a compilation of analogies, and this one is perfect. Life is frustrating, life is hard, but there's always someone to offer consolation, encouragement, and help: "It's okay, here you go." I'm lucky enough to be basically surrounded by those people. So... thank you :) I'm pretty sure you all know who you are.

It's so happy I could die!

Today was so happy. There was just so much happy everywhere. Let me list the happy for you.

1. I finished training today
2. All of our trainers (especially the group's favorite) told us how proud of us they were
3. I only got one question wrong on my final exam, and I aced the autograph portion
4. It was our first apartment birthday, and we made her a cake and brownies and I got a bunch of characters to sign her birthday card. She cried :) but HAPPY tears!
5. I'm finding it easier and easier to get along with people I meet.
6. I got to help make some serious magic today.
7. Only one more day until I get my first day off!
8. My fellow role-mates and I are planning a get together where we go to the parks on our day off and then go to this dinner/show thing called "Arabian Nights"
9. The girl role-mates and I came home from work in my car and got lost... but it was a bonding experience, so it qualifies for happy haha.
10. My shower was awesome. Don't know why, it was just particularly awesome.
11. Kevin is finally headed home, which makes him happy. Therefore, I am happy, too :) (even though him flying makes me nervous because people I care about in potentially dangerous situations makes me nervous, even though I know I'm just paranoid)
12. I got to have a conversation on facebook with my beautiful sister, Emily. It was lovely, and I've missed her.
13. I can feel myself getting stronger from lugging around 60 some-odd pounds every day.
14. My sleep schedule? Yeah, basically got that now.
15. Oh and Kevin's and my 1 month was yesterday... yay!!! *girly squeak or something like that*
16. I finally picked a day to see my Uncle Chuck before he leaves Orlando, can't wait!
17. It rained today, and I love huge storms. They're awesome in Florida.
18. I got a really great lesson in from the homily at mass the other day, and my favorite trainer recommended another Catholic Church in the area-- I can't wait to check it out.

yeah :) must sleep now, 9.75 hours of excitement tomorrow. wooooooo

Juxtaposition and inner conflict and stuff.

Third day living in the happiest place on earth. I have to admit, they really don't joke around with that. I love it here! The hole in my heart where my family would be sometimes aches, but is more often than not filled with the happiness that my roommates give me. I absolutely adore them. Here's a rundown on these girls who I spent the evening with: Ashley is a cute blonde who I think is a hopeless romantic under cover. Brandi is a cute little brunette who is a hopeless romantic absolutely NOT undercover. Her roommate, Shannon, is down to earth and very smart, while also easily the most comfortable presence in the apartment. Duh, Mallory is awesome. I've said that. Michelle is intensely sarcastic, which is a refreshing change to all of the perkiness that surrounds us in the parks. Jess is the bubbly mama, while also being a little sister. She is the one that gave me nyquil the other day and subtly continues to have an eye on all of us, I think. Her boyfriend, Corey, is over a lot. His roommate is one of the friends I've made outside the apartment, another character performer named Dylan. Class today was really long, and I realized once we started walking around that wearing heels again was not a wise decision. The footwear forecast for tomorrow? Sneakers. Lovely, padded, close-toed sneakers. It sounds like bliss.

Tonight was a great bonding night for the apartment. I made pasta for the girls and Corey, and Mallory made garlic bread. After that, Mallory used the rest of our cookie dough to make cookies for us as we watched the Frog Prince. It was so good! It was also cool to watch something that the company I work for made- just a special feeling. About 20 minutes in, our new neighbors knocked on our door. They were all very fun and energetic, and they're coming to see the fireworks show with us on Saturday night. It was kind of awkward because we were going around saying our roles, and a theatre major from upstairs heard that I was a CP and started talking about how she worked so hard at the audition and how it would have helped out her degree and everything if she had made it into that role... and I just stood there muttering, "Uh... I was in colorguard in marching band?" "I braided my hair and the lady said it looked nice?" "You're teeth are too straight?" (Just kidding about that last one). Anyways, we all ended up getting along very well, and I'm excited to get to know them better.

I keep showing off pictures of my family to everyone, and I really miss them a lot. If my phone was working, I really would like to call them... and I feel like living in a new place without cell phone access is a little dangerous... so if you a) see mama and papa Rowson on a regular basis b) will be seeing them soon, or c) ARE, in fact, mama or papa Rowson, could you please find some way for the phone company to be contacted so I can... you know... use my phone? That would be much appreciated :) Also, I'm hypersensitive to couple-y things everywhere. Sad face. Love being here, love people there, but wait I love people here, too? And good ol' Fairfax is awesome...
Sigh.
First day of training tomorrow, so I'd better get some sleep!

Nyquil

Well, today started out with mass confusion. I woke up at ten and then I don't remember anything else but waking up again at 12. My roommate and I both caught some kind of bug (probably the stress bug) and decided that hot ramen would be a good breakfast choice. After a long, hot shower, we decided to go exploring. There's this wonderful rec area for cast-mates called "mickey's retreat" that we walked to that has pools, tennis courts, beach volleyball courts, ping pong tables, pool tables, and this beautiful lake with paddle-boats, canoes and kayaks. I have a feeling I will be spending a lot of my free time there. Tomorrow I have "traditions" class at 12:45, so I'll definitely wake up in time haha.

The craziest feeling that I have had thus far is looking at my roommates and realizing that I will become incredibly close with these girls. Normally, when you meet a friend, you never know how close you will end up being. Meeting a roommate, the closeness, even if bred purely from proximity, is inevitable. I already really like these girls. I feel like I've known Mallory, my roommate for much longer than 2 days.  I also have come to understand the value of cookies. Everyone likes cookies. Mallory and I ran to publix and got some cookie dough for dessert after one of our other roommates, Jessica's, parents bought us pizza for dinner. Cookies and pizza brought us together and kept up conversation between the 8 of us until it was flowing naturally. Jessica also gave me nyquil to help me sleep (which I can feel kicking in at the moment) and I really don't like nyquil all that much because it usually tastes awful and you have to drink something super sugary to get the taste out. This nyquil was in pill form, though. Why am I talking so much about nyquil? Because analogies are my life, and that nyquil is a good representation of how this apartment feels. I thought it was going to be dreadful, because, in general, leaving my family for anything is really hard for me. In spite of my expectations, however, the warmness of people has broken the mold and I expect to find myself sleeping soundly with this thought (and nyquil) in mind.

 my lovely momma on the trip down :) 

first sighting of my new state of residence!

Lobby of the orlando basilica, so cool. I lit a candle there for my family, and then one for Kevin.

A lovely view of the little body of water in Celebration, Florida.

I felt like a total tourist taking this picture haha.

My new baby cousin, he's so precious! His name is Nathan, and he's my new best friend.

Isn't my roommate the cutest? 

The beautiful lake at Mickey's Retreat.