A Tacky Bob Marley Quote

Ok, so I went on facebok today. Multiple times. I've decided to give it up for lent- inspired by my friend, John. I did it last year, but I figured I wouldn't this year because it's a big way to connect with people back home. Facebook, however, does not hold a candle to the communication that phones and skype enable, so I'm sure I'll be fine. I'm also thinking of giving up texting? But that might be difficult, what with roommates and things. Maybe next year. Anyway, back to facebook (isn't that how life just feels, anyway? it's kind of pathetic, but I digress). I was looking at my mini-feed and I saw this quote from Bob Marley as one of my friend's statuses:
"Just can't live that negative way...make way for the positive day" and went on with little hearts and people were "like"ing it and there was profoundness proclaimed and blah, blah, blah... All in all it was just really hokey sounding. Even when I talked to Kevin tonight, I mentioned it and we laughed about it. Reading Chesterton I think leads skepticism and pickiness about what counts as "profound". Anyways, looking back, I really think I was mistaken. Just because I might read what some would consider "higher literature" in comparison to Bob Marley lyrics, there is some definite truth in that. I've kind of been in a funk lately. Not sure how this funk came about, but it's been almost all-encompassing. It's really no fun, and I hate being in funks because I more prone to complaining, and I don't like complaining, and I can almost guarantee that 98% of the time, no one wants to hear any of it. Getting to the point, funk= bad on many levels. Then there was a crazy coincidence because Kevin was like hey don't worry about stuff, and then I was like hey that makes me have songs stuck in my head. One is "Don't you worry, about a thing, 'cuz every little thing, is gonna be alright..." Which is Three Little Birds, by Bob Marley, again. Which is just ironic. The second is this incredibly cheesy Jesus song that I learned when I was little and it went "Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself," and then it repeated. I don't remember absorbing this message as a child, but I do remember it's obnoxious level of perkiness. The ridiculous part of this is that I had been thinking about the scripture that song was based off of (Mt 6:24-34), and then BAM. It's the gospel at church the next day. Now that's just craziness. I believe that coincidences happen... and yeah I just don't think that was one of them. 
So back to my all-encompassing funk of worry and such. I don't know why, but, surprisingly, I had an "aha" moment in the shower tonight. Which is weird, but at the same time, I'm kind of weird, so it's not really all that surprising, I suppose. I realized that of all of the gospels I've heard and remembered, this was one that I had always heard and taken as "advice", when really... it's the gospel. It's not advice, it's instructions on how to live like Christ. Living like Christ has always gotten me out of funks. So I stopped and looked at parts of my life and thought about what I do need to be thinking about today, what I'm assigning unnecessary stress and over-thought  to, and how I live for Christ in the here and now. I know that when I live that way, I entrust way more to God, and lose a lot of control (or what feels like a lot of control to me). It's a tough, grown-up Christian moment, when you realize that you have to reject lukewarmness. You have to reject all control that keeps you from being surrendered to God's will. I don't think the Allies would have let Germany off with a warning at Versailles, or let them just kind of withdraw some of their armies from occupational territory. As much as I hate to admit it, and as inconvenient as it is, my faith, along with my willingness to conform to a plan that is so much bigger than me, cannot be relative. I also think that, to many, it would seem almost against Catholic teachings to hear, "Father, what can I do?" and hearing "Don't worry." But we don't have to. Like Bob Marley said, (and please don't take this as encouragement to base doctrine or dogma after this guy), "don't you worry... everything is gonna be alright", and "make way for the positive day". Both of these verses hold some serious truth in them, and it really was the thing I needed to at least start digging myself out of the hole that I found myself in the past couple of days. 
p.s. medical update coming soon.

Defining "Home"

Like most people, I don't expect to live in one place my whole life. Even though I call my apartment "home" while I'm in Florida, it does not come close to living up to my "home" standards. I went back to my legitimate home last week, and it was a lovely reminder. It was a reminder of what an amazing foundation I had to jump off of to come here in the first place, of things I have already been through and ways I have learned, and especially of all that I have to look forward to when I come back for real in May. My brother's musical was amazing- he was just spectacular. I've always known the kid was talented, but he just continues to amaze me. I'm pretty sure he's the only person I've ever met who could seriously grow up to do absolutely anything he put his mind to. I also loved being back at Robinson- I've always felt at home in her halls. Robinson reminded me that home means familiarity. Watching my brother perform, though, reminded me of something else. When I was home, my mom and dad took me out to lunch, where they surprised me with my grandparents also being there! My mom's parents- Mormor and Grandpa, are both in their early 80s, and are wonderful, hysterical people who have always been youthful at heart. Watching Will, and spending time with my grandparents reminded me that home is also love. Can home also incorporate change though? If home is familiarity, what happens when a renovation or an addition is needed? Just because there are new aspects to a home, does it lose its essence of being a home? I thought about this a few times while back in Fairfax. Then I realized that I did have a new home. Homes aren't always places, though they often are. While being amongst familiarity and love, I did have a new addition. I usually try to stay away from the gushy to some level, but this one is kind of unavoidable. Kevin came with me to my brother's musical, walked the halls of my high school, and generally just brought insurmountable happiness to my visit. Him being there, although we've been dating just two months (today, actually :) super excited), he is also home. This is because home is not just familiarity and love, although those are both very important facets. Home is resilience. Home is resilient because home is a part of life, and life never stops changing. More than that, home is a necessary companion to living life. As far as what I did when I was home, it was great! Kevin picked me up from the airport, we took a romantic drive in D.C. (aka got lost/took a wrong turn, depending on who tells the story), had fondu dinner with my family at 11 p.m., I got to sleep in!!, had coffee and coffee cake with my mom the next morning as we talked about Chesterton and humility and generally just really good topics that I don't think many daughters and moms talk about, sang at mass at Bellarmine chapel with the best music ministry people EVER!, went to a lovely TNS that included baked ziti, had a doctor's appointment where I found out I have a healthy heart, yay!, went to daily mass, had coffee with my coffee girls, went to lunch with parents and grandparents, went to will's musical, saw some great talent at CCM coffeehouse, hung out with people for a little bit, had breakfast the next morning with boyfriend and parents, packed, and headed for the airport. I didn't stop moving for most of it, and I loved every minute of it! I miss it so much, but at the same time, I'm so happy that I have something so wonderful, something so perfectly and exquisitely "home"-ly to return to in 4 months.

Endurance

I've gotten in pretty good shape since I've been here. Only some of it, and only recently, has it been on purpose. Because I'm in a hot costume all day, I drink a lot more water than I used to. If I don't eat healthy, my body doesn't feel happy during work. It's harder to move a lot of excess weight and stay on top of my game when my body isn't happy. Because salad and apples are on sale at the Disney cast member discount store, I eat a lot of salad and apples. Then I started running/elliptical-ing/other forms of working out, because I need to exhaust myself in order to sleep through the night. Doing all of the exercise because of work every day was making me stronger, and so I have to do more to tire myself out. I think my body is a little tired now, though. I took a break yesterday, but I went for a run outside today because it was cool and drizzling. I have never been able to run for very long... I was in softball, so most of my muscle is fast-twitch. I could run a football fields length fast enough to maybe impress a couple of people, but heaven forbid you ask me to run around it a couple of times.  Now, I'm learning endurance.
Endurance seems to have penetrated a lot of areas in my life recently. I can diligently stick to a check-list, I can keep my patience with roommates and co-workers for longer periods of time without getting frustrated. I know now from experience that it's true that when you ask for virtues, God gives you opportunities to build these virtues. I also am building a little bit of emotional endurance. Last week, I found I was having waves and waves of homesickness, and I was fighting back a couple of tears here and there. I find myself continuously encouraged by daily readings and the FOCUS talks. Spiritual work-outs energize me just as much as, if not more than, physical work-outs.
I am SO EXCITED to be going home this week. My brother, Will, is one of the leads in his musical, and I'm just so incredibly proud of him that I had to ask my mom to let me come home. Thankfully, I think she and my dad missed me enough to go for it :) It also means I go to TNS on Thursday to see my friends from CCM at Mason, and last but not least, Kevin! I'm also excited that, even though 2 of my roommates (one being my actual room-roommate) got strep this week, I dodged the bullet! I guess I kind of have a lot going for me right now, and I wish I was better at not complaining. I want to start reading more about the life of the saints, but I have so many things on my reading lists right now that I 'm not sure how realistic that is haha. Right now I'm reading Common Sense 101 and Perelandra, then I'll be reading Men, Women, and the Mystery of Love and That Hideous Strength, and then I have a bunch of other books here that I would like to read as well. My brain is starting to go in all directions, so that's usually a good sign that it's time for me to go to sleep.

Peer Pressure

I just drank way too much water before running, so I thought I'd buy time while my iPod recharges. Inspired by Laura and Kevin, I've been listening to talks from FOCUS conference last year on my iPod while I run and on my way to work. This has a few really amazing benefits. Firstly, I've been trying to find time to listen to these talks for a while, and now I've found it! Secondly, it's a fantastic way to start or end my day. Thirdly, everything I learn from these talks is directly applicable to everyday life, and I find myself thinking about them throughout my week. Fourthly, it's one of the ways I have to keep connected with the Catholic community in a place that's so hard to be connected with the Catholic community... Fifthly, it's incredibly encouraging. Although I do get to hug kids everyday, and I work for Disney, life is discouraging. All around me is a culture of relativism; teenage girls who are trying to grow up, to survive in a world where nothing is absolute. Hearing the message of truth in some way every day makes it so much easier to not just shy away from the pressure to live a tolerant life, but face it with conviction. Last, and probably least, it makes me run longer :) The wonderful thing about listening to these talks is that it was initially peer pressure (from Kevin) that made me start listening to them; encouragement given for the purpose of sharing Christ. This was positive peer pressure. I received a lot of this in Fairfax, from most everyone I came in contact with in the amazing community of CCM. Here, in Florida, there is still a LOT of peer pressure, but I have yet to experience the same kind. My roommates don't impose their habits on me, but it's almost passive aggressiveness. I've received subtle looks that only girls seem to give and receive based on my going to church, based on my background, and based on my beliefs, that I very gently, but firmly present when given the need. Living in a body and mind that on one hand begs for acceptance, and the other begs to live for so much more than what I witness here, I feel a little torn. I am resolute in my faith, but I know dealing with all of this would be so much easier if I had a Catholic, heck even a Christian companion down here. They've given up on inviting me to go out, and it almost makes me sad. Even though I won't ever go, it's kind of disappointing to know that I'm missing out on experiences with my roommates. It's an exclusive club that I am excluded from by choice. My roommate, though she goes out and everything, is the only one that seems fully sympathetic to my situation. I think I might try driving to UCF and look at their CCM when I get back here after my visit home. For now, I'm stuck in beautiful Florida, living for my runs where I can hear the beauty of truth flowing through my exercise headphones and I can pound out my frustrations on the treadmill. I am hopefully going home this coming week, and drinking up some encouragement for the coming months.

Twisted Caesar

All lives, all paths in life are different. Today, I realized this with growing certainty. A list of events that I never foresaw starting compiling in my mind. This list probably went something like this, "Hey! I'm going to run four freaking miles! Woah... who knew they'd provide us with a gym... in the Disney College Program.. that I'm in! Sweet! and my family is fully supporting me... and I'm a flippin' character performer! That's pretty sweet, too.. and I'm working in Disney, where I've never even been before... but Kevin has a billion times. Oh, yeah! I have a boyfriend... and he's freakin' amazing! Woah." Huh. Pretty awesome list. God is so good.
Speaking of the big guy, I went to Celebration, Florida the other day to see if I could get my feet wet in the community there. The priest there, Father Gregory, standing at a towering 6'8", more or less threw me off a dock into this community. Within minutes of meeting him, he had already made plans to introduce me to the youth leader and her assistant leaders the next day, in addition to having me come to mass the next day at 5:30 so I could witness the contemporary mass and talk to it's leader about singing and playing guitar there. I felt pulled there, though, a powerful feeling of God/s will and strengthened by my own curiosity. Needless to say, I went. It was like a twisted Caesar quote: "I came, I saw, I was severely confused." Everything was different than what I was used to. Not only was it different, it was contradictory. The mass seemed to be not a celebration of God's own son coming down to be among us and taken into our very beings, but a contemporary Christian concert. Every hymn, every mass part was played up. I was so distracted, thank goodness I read the readings ahead of time. This part was what confused me the most. I was so used to the philosophy that as we decrease, God can increase. That the music ministry was supposed to be a gentle guide to help people delve deeper into the mass, and not detract from the service in any way. Now, the musicians were all very, very talented. This talent, though, instead of shining for the glory of God, was uncomfortably bright, blinding the congregation from our Lord in the precious moments of mass when it's so important to see him and hear his words clearly. It was sad when I hurt multiple people speaking about how they were truly distracted during the service because of the music. Later, when Father Gregory asked me, "So, Annika... what did you think of the music?" The only think I could think of to describe myself was, "Well, Father... if my style at church back home was indie-acoustic... this would probably be glam-rock..." I think he understood me. I looked at him apologetically, wishing I had some other words to say. I made it clear that they were all obviously very talented. Maybe there's a reason for me being involved in this group? We'll see.
As for the youth group, it's much smaller than I'm used to. The kids are all great, all diverse. I do think that I was spoiled back in Fairfax with such knowledgeable youth ministers. I often felt that I had a better answer to one of the questions of the teens. I also felt that maybe they were more concerned with the teens coming back than what they would learn should the event occur. Still, it's a solid group of people, and I'm excited about spending more time with them. I'm exhausted. There are so many things coming up and going on, my brain and body get very tired very quickly. Night!